In a recent email I received, someone wrote “When love is good, life is good.” It reminded me of how I felt after finding love for the first time after my ex-wife. My ex was the “the love of my life.” When we married, I never expected us to part. Our relationship lasted for 10 years, then things fell apart. That experience of loss reminded me of the the Hindenburg. I spent the next 4 years feeling like a charred piece of rubble. In December of 2004, I found love when I least expected it. Meeting Ellen and finding that fire in my soul again totally refreshed and renewed my spirit. It’s when I wrote the tag line for my personal blog, Marti Abernathey.com, “Breathing is existence, but loving is living.”
One of the biggest hurdles for me in keeping love (in the past) was looking for love from others, before I believed I was worthy of it. No matter how many people told me they loved me, I just couldn’t believe it myself. I felt different, I felt ugly, I felt… wrong.
There are many times I wonder if I did the right thing by transitioning. The more I get into different theories (feminist and otherwise) the more it’s made me analyze my thoughts and feelings about why I’m trans and why I transitioned. In every step of the process I’ve always felt it was right. It reminds me of Christ’s words in the bible about bad trees not producing good fruit, and good trees producing bad fruit.
“Even so every good tree bringeth forth good fruit; but a corrupt tree bringeth forth evil fruit. A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, neither can a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit. Matthew 7:17-18″
My life, my spirit, and my essence have found a peace and a focus I’ve never felt before, since I’ve been aware of my existence as a human being. The rock of that joy and the goodness of that tree is something I don’t think I’ll ever be able to describe.