I often wonder sometimes how I would have reacted if the shoe was on the other foot – that being, that, if one night, my wife would have come to bed, got under the sheets and surprised me wearing Men’s Briefs and genitalia to compliment them. Could I be ok with that, if it were me?

Lets take it a step further and add in Male hormones, a boy hair cut, facial hair and she would now like YOU to address her, as “him” – a “man” named Bob.

I have talked with hundreds of M2F cross dressers and transsexuals, and one of the things that I find that most (but not all) have overwhelmingly in common, is that they identify as heterosexual, or Trans-Lesbian. I wonder how any of these people (or anyone, for that matter) would feel if their wife came home and said, “I think I am man”.

If you’re Transgendered, try to imagine for one second that your not. Now imagine your beautiful wife that you fell in love with – and all her femininity that balances your masculinity, is now being offset by her’s. Think about your first company picnic, where you bring your wife and all your co-workers and even your boss is first exposed to your “spouse”, Bob. Could you deal with having to be forced to appear as a homosexual Gay man?

Better question: Could you perform sexually and stay committed emotionally to a man. I’m not talking about TG issues here. I am talking about if you were just an every day, run of the mill American Male, COULD YOU DO IT? Could you stay with a woman that transitioned fully, Post-Op into a Male? That is to say, that we presume she wants to stay with you, and not pursue a female to live or marry after she transitions. How would you feel when your wife, now a male, goes out and starts getting looked at or picked up by women – How would you feel about her/him taking lots of videos and photos and posting them all over the internet with you or your children in them? Can you imagine that? What if she/he spent all his time online talking to God knows who about God knows what…. while you are all alone in your room… would you question your self worth? How would all this effect your dignity?

These are the things we ask of our spouses when we begin to cross the gender divide.

Personally, I will admit, after thinking long and hard on this question, I could not. This is where I find myself to be weak and shallow. At the end of the day, when the truth be told, I fell in love with my wife FIRST because she was a complete babe! I got to know her over the course of time and even fall in love with her – But it was her Red hair and 36C Chest that caused me to run red lights!

I did not begin my marriage thinking I would transition – I accepted that both of us would get old and grey and I could accept her, no matter what – in sickness and in health; even if that included being overweight, or otherwise. However, it goes with out saying that NO ONE bargains or even fathoms that their spouse will change their gender. So when you think “in sickness and in health”, you never really allow yourself to think that may mean gender variance too.

Maybe its my heightened sense of femininity that makes me shutter that if I was still living as Ted, and my wife Rene wanted to be Bob, how HARD that would be on everyone – Myself included. Of course, living as a Female now, I would be perfectly ok with being married to a man, as that compliments my femininity… {dares to dream} *sigh*

I know this is a double standard – I KNOW I am a hypocrite. Still, it seems to me that being a lesbian in this world is more widely tolerated than being a homosexual male. People can deal with giving into femininity, especially when it’s a woman giving into it – but I have yet to see where anyone “other than Gay men” want to see 2 men kissing. There are no “Guys Gone Wild” videos of young sexy college Co-Ed’s kissing in the shower (At least not to my knowledge). Can you imagine that?… A woman going around with a camera to construction sites and sunny beaches asking men to lift up their shirts – or for that matter, TAKE A SHOWER? lol

My wife has admitted to me very candidly, that if our children were not in the scenario, she’d be gone. (yeah, it leaves a horrible feeling in my gut). But can you blame her? I used too… now… I am not so sure.

In the beginning I used to tell myself “I am the same person, what’s the big deal?” Well, it IS a big deal. Whether you’re a man or a woman, when people get married, their masculine or feminine persona is part of the exterior contract that goes with the vows – and it goes with out saying. A woman marries a man because they expect to live a heterosexual life and vice versa.

Of course I thought about these things LONG before I transitioned – but they just didn’t seem to click. That was, until I had a nightmare a few weeks back. In the Nightmare, I was again my Male heterosexual self, Ted. My wife and I were on our way to a meeting – the meeting was in a dim lit basement of someone’s home and everyone there was a man. After socializing for a few minutes, I realized my wife was nowhere to be found among all these men. I searched for what seemed like all night, asking everyone “have you seen my wife?” – They just laughed, looking puzzled… It wasn’t until the end of the night that I finally realized, the guy with the short red hair, was my Wife, Bob…

-Chloe

Here at my door is where I find inspiration looking at the same things I have many times before. The scene never fails to inspire me as it first did when I looked out, many years ago.

I use to muse for hours in the mirror at night too – trying to see the reflection of “something”. I never understood this and other day dream fascinations.

After many years, I finally understand what I have been looking for…

… a way home.

Yesterday when I took the photo above with my iPhone, I was thinking back to when I use to stand here at this door, and wish that I were a girl – Now, I am.

As of May 21st 2008, I became a fully Post-Operative, fully functional “woman” when I completed my Genital Reassignment Surgery with Dr. Suporn in Chonburi Thailand.

That’s right, I am a Transsexual. I was also born with a Chromosomal variation condition called Klinefelter’s Syndrome or (KS), aka: 47 XXY male.

There are many variations of Klinefelter’s Syndrome.
My KS variant is: “47 XXY Mosaic.

My Room – 2 Months Post-Op

On the surface, this picture may not be special, but it really speaks a lot about where I am at right now, being 2 Months Post-op from FFS (Facial Feminization Surgery) that I under went from Dr. Suporn in Chonburi Thailand.

Here, I sit at my PC at night – Blogging, chatting or emailing online to friends, etc… anything to pass the time. It gets hard to sleep some nights. There is a lot of tightness in the scalp and temples. My head really itches everywhere, especially where they grafted in new hair (See photo notes).

This is my room – at least the clean part I am going to let any of you see right now. {giggles}

(Photo Above) Behind me is a long cork board filled with mementos from friends and people touched by my efforts from PinkEssence and my Blogs online. Thanks everyone who took the time – you’ve touched my life too. *sigh*

(Photo Left) As you can see in this photo, things are in deed coming along and I’m very pleased with Dr. Suporn’s FFS Work to my upper forehead, eyes and hair graft work. This is Post-op 2 months.

Yes, This is my disgustingly dirty desk – Holy crap is it messy! YIKES! (maybe a photo of just how mess it really is? Hmmm? Hey, if it cuts into watching Hogan’s Hero’s, forget about it.

“I know noth-zing, NOTH-ZING”… “Hogan”!

…and if you believe that, then maybe I can interest you in a slightly used Certificate that officially makes “Chloe Alison Prince” the name of a star in the “Alpha-Beta, Lambda Moo” quadrant for which I’ve listed for sale on eBay.

Anyway, seriously, all photos here (Except of “The Great Pink One”) were taken with my Apple iPhone’s 2 Mega-Bit Camera. No fancy Digital or DSLR or SLR camera; no professional make-up or lights… just me .

When I look at these photos, it seems hard to imagine I was the cover girl for “PinkEssence”.

When I took this famous photo, I had no idea where I was headed – that picture by the way has scored well over 13 million hits combined with my various sites, groups and Blogs. It has appeared in Lady Like and Pretty TGirls Magazines adding to make it one of the most popular and recognizable Transgendered iconic photos in the world. (Who knew…)

That was 2006

Today, July 30th 2008, 2 months after my SRS procedures, its taken me awhile to remember… …remember that the girl in that PinkEssence photo was a product of many things: Lighting, make-up, corsets, Photoshop and professional stylists. It’s a neat shot, and I love it… but its not the REAL me; The photo’s taken on my iPhone today, is…

I understand, now, that I can be that “made-up Chloe of PinkEssence” anytime… and I can make as many photos of me look fabulous also, any time. But this is the REAL me… and this is what I am most proud of… to finally be happy that my true reflection matches the way I have always felt and thought in my brain.

Still, like most any other genetic woman, I will of course work to delay the effects of Mother-nature and Father-time -But- I do so for vanity of personal perfection and fun ONLY – NOT because I am uncomfortable with the incongruencey of my gender and my reflection – *THAT* no longer bothers me, nor HOW I arrived in the sisterhood of women… it matters to me only that I HAVE finally arrived… fully aligned – mind, body and soul.

I was and still am very lucky – but many aren’t and later commit suicide because they can no longer cope without understanding, care and support from family, friends and their employers. I am still working on acceptance with some people in my life, but I was lucky in the fact that I have no shortage of people that rushed in to catch me when I fell, then stood me back up and pointed me in the right direction.

Behold, a Transgendered survivor – proof that Sexual Reassignment Surgery IS a cure for some of us – it was for me. A cure in that, I no longer feel different (or even like a transsexual); I just feel like… me… just Chloe.

It wasn’t easy – It took 4 years and over $70K to accomplish, not to mention all the money that my employer paid out for me to be on disability (Thank God) while I transitioned.

I would NOT be alive today had I not transitioned surgically… no doubt I would have succumb to the demons so many other Pre-Operative Transsexuals do… Thank you to all those that have helped me to get here – especially to my guardian angel – AND to those that stood by me, and even bigger hugs to those that came back… To those that have not, know that, I am always here until you are ready to be here with me.

“I did it Mom & Dad… I beat this Gendered Dysphoria. Your child is alive and I’m finally free..

…and I’m finally, coming home.”

Now, and forever – your daughter,
-Chloe

PS: Thailand Pictures

Many have asked for me to post my photos of my Transition journey in Thailand. I have begun adding those photos into my “Sets” of photo’s on Flickr. Please take a look, and keep checking back, cause I am still adding them in as I process them. Thailand and surgical Photos can be seen by following the links below.

What makes us do these things? Testing of faith? I have done these and many other things before… and I have always come back to this reason – that it was a way for me to detach myself, even if for a moment from who and what and where I was… to escape or send off my thoughts into another place, because there was simply no more room for them to remain in my brain alone.

LOS or Loss of Signal is a very common occurrence in the space program. It occurs when the capsule (shuttle) cannot receive radio communication from ground control. In a sense, there is a black out period from communications.

I believe that my journey is at the equinox of this moment of Loss of Signal… a point where all the preparation and training and planning MUST now serve me well, for where I go from here forth, I must do so with out a safety net of ground control.

I have never traveled very far other than to Toronto – just a tip toe outside the States, AND that was when one did not need a birth certificate or passport. There are so many variables to consider here and for things to go right, or for that matter, wrong.

I think about the astronauts how they must have felt the first time they entered LOS going around the moon and then again upon reentry. As I understand it, as a spacecraft re enters the atmosphere, it heats up, and ionizes the air around it. This ionization sets up a temporary “Faraday Cage”. (Same effect that stops radio signals in a metal building and protects you from lightning in your car) AOS (Acquisition of Signal) returns after this phase passes.

With each day that draws nearer to SRS, I feel the eclipse of LOS setting in on me… and it’s scary, yet exciting at the same time. When you fight and struggle for so long to get where you want to go… when you look over your shoulder for the first time and see just HOW FAR into space you have gone, you realize that the earth now is just a faint star – you are alone.

I look forward to when I can re-read these thoughts some day and be amused at how terrified I was over something that is now, really, on auto pilot and I don’t need to worry, except to keep an eye on the blinking lights.

But for now, I am protecting myself – shielding off anything that may cause me problem or stress; shedding thoughts that remain toxic or worrisome – like a note in a bottle – that is what this Blog is for me. My pastor tells me to confess all that troubles me… he says “Chloe, give it to God… and don’t take it back… let him bear your burdens, and take relief in his blessings”. Well, That is what I am doing – I am going to “Give it to the Blog”… and leave it.

Not only this Blog, but I am settling as much karma as I can; confessing my truest of feelings and stripping myself open to all that I once walled off. However walls have 2 sides to them, and so, there are things that will be set free at the same time.

This is my re-birth… it is frightening to actually have my eyes open for it this time.. No wonder babies come out screaming!

These and many other feelings I had NEVER expected, are setting in on me… where are they coming from? I have never read about them nor desired them, yet there they are and I am changing and maturing before my own eyes…

-Chloe

I won’t make a cop-out statement that “I am who I am” or “I’m the same person I always was”, because, quite honestly, I’m not -AND- if you would have asked me this even a year ago, I would have not agreed with what I just said.

My role will remain the same so long as responsibility is attached to it. I will never stop being a father even though my kids call me Chloe. THEY know who and what I am to them, still, those days of father comes to school for show and tell can be tough on them and me. Last Christmas, my children had such an event – now I am a staunch Transperson – committed in my path… but… the politics of that became water over the dam when my six year old ask the Phone Man to come for Father career day at school… how could I disappoint him?

I had thought to ask my father to fill in as some other children did with their grandparents for whatever reason they did. But that’s not the point. My child HAS a father – ME! Could I be Chloe and represent his Daddy too?

Nervous, I arrived at the school and awaited in the lounge as requested by my sons teacher. A class room of 1st graders awaited -what would they think? How would my son be treated and viewed by his class mates after this day? The teacher walked in and after a short conversation on what to expect and cover with the class, we headed to the room.

When I walked in, I didn’t even notice what the class room looked like – all I could do was scan the room for my son… and there he was. In that moment, he turned to the visitors walking in the room and when I walked in with my AT&T clothes, tool belts, meters , pinned back hair, and pulling off the best male look I could, he exclaimed to the children “That’s my Daddy!”…

At that point, all my inner term-oil of presenting myself in this manner were washed away. I began to show the kids photos of me on the job, climbing poles with ladders and spike… going down manholes, in creepy dark tunnels under the city and even riding a cable car that trolleys you out to fix a cable where ladders and bucket trucks can not reach – for example, cable that runs over a wide river (Someone has to get out there and repair the cable when it goes bad there – how else do you think we do it?) The kids loved it.. and they loved seeing all my gadgets and learning what they do and how the phones, Internet and TV is all brought to homes, schools and commercial buildings. THAT’S LOGAN’S DAD’S JOB!

I had thought to go as Chloe – because, honestly, my children know me no other way. Their pre-schools, friends parents and neighbors ALL know me as Chloe and as a Transgendered person. Why did I revert back to being a male for this period?

That my sisters and brothers, is a mystery that may only be unraveled in the silence of the night when you walk in your sons bedroom and he is fast a sleep with a smile on his face, clutching on to his toy phone man truck…

I know my role… and I know where that role is buttered too.

-Chloe