I kept this fact a secret at her request and told no one for the first five years of our relationship.

I’ve supported her in her transition for the past five years and still do 100%.

I’ve remained loyal, defended and explained her transition to friends, family, strangers, my uptight narrow-minded ex-husband, and most recently the Automobile Club of America who claimed she was a “different person” now that she’s changed her name and gender and refused to tow her car.

So why the crushing guilt?

I’ve never uttered a word aloud to anyone except my spouse regarding any confusion, fear or doubt I might have about her transition.

I’ve allowed her some wiggle room to explore her new female sexuality, but will not give you any details.

I’ve been called a “saint” by more than one acquaintance for my understanding, support and loyalty towards my spouse and the difficult time she’s gone through.

So why do I feel such crushing guilt?

Because my body is fighting me. It won’t do what I want or be what I want — which is to have the same sexual feelings towards my spouse now that she is a different person that I did previously. (And please don’t even start with that “still the same person” stuff — it works in an intellectual context, but not in terms of how the human body works.)

My spouse’s transition does not make me a lesbian.   A woman with a similar personality does not necessarily invite the same attraction that I felt when we first met and she was a man I became infatuated with.   I cannot think of who she used to be without missing that huge part of what made us bond so completely when we met, and so I look at her without the context of our past sexual relationship and hate myself for not being able to force the attraction on my end that she still feels.  After all, I am pretty much the same physically as I was ten years ago, just a little wider in the butt.

Through great force of will on my part I forced myself to ignore the man in front of me and see the person that she is.  I did this at first without benefit of electrolysis, rhinoplasty, makeup, breasts, different clothes or any other outward cues because she so desperately needed it from me in order to feel that her transition was possible.

I do now fear, though, that it did something to me as well, and not for the better as far as my own sexuality is concerned.

It makes my spouse sad sometimes that I don’t feel the same way sexually about her.  It makes me sad sometimes, too.   But our relationship has survived much more trauma than this and I certainly don’t think the situation is a dealbreaker in terms of staying together.

This situation is completely understandable, I think, and I realize it’s nobody’s fault.

So why the crushing guilt?

Is it because I’ve reached the limit of what I can force myself to do and be to make my spouse happy?  Or is it because I’ve given up a part of myself that I can’t get back?

I even feel guilty submitting this post, because I worry that readers will think my intention is to make other people feel bad about what effects transition might have on a significant other.   That most definitely is not the case.  I certainly do not think I speak for any other spouse of a trans-person.  I’m sure there are other spouses who are able to make this leap that I cannot seem to make, and I honor them for it and hope they realize how lucky they are.

If I have any intention at all, it is to do what everyone else here is doing — take a look at where I am now and stop denying the feelings that I have in order to “make things easier” for everyone else.

I hope you all understand.  Thanks for listening.  I just didn’t know who else to tell…

– Carrie

How cool is that?