The following is a review of one woman’s take on tonight’s episode of Law and Order: Special Victim’s Unit. NBC titled this particular episode “Stabler’s Comfort”. The episode tackled the issue of a 13 year old transgender girl named Hailey. You can watch a clip of the episode HERE. I typed these notes as I watched, so don’t hate on me if I screw up some of the details. I give my final take at the end, so stay tuned through to the conclusion at the end for my opinionated summary.

The opening scene is of a male victim whose genital area has been bleeding profusely, an obvious assault outside a local strip club and a case specifically for the Special Victims Unit.

At the station, an acrylic fingernail was found eventually leading forensics to prove that “the perp is definitely female.”

Olivia and Elliot, SVU’s main detectives, head over to the strip club to try and find the identity of the then unconscious victim and eventually meet up wtih Frankie the Bouncer, a butch lesbian who clues them in on the club.

Soon, through questioning of some of the strip club’s girls including “Misty,” the identity of the man is revealed to be Mark Van Curen, a Repo man who drives a tow truck.

Olivia and Elliot find their way to Mark’s soon to be ex wife Ellen who admitted she “would kill him” before he let him take his son away from her.

At this point, Henry, Ellen’s 13 year old “son,” is introduced to Olivia and Elliot as Hailey.

“My son is transgender,” Ellen says to a confused Olivia and Elliot. “When he was four he pranced around in a tutu and screamed ‘God made a mistake!’”

Read the rest of the summary, and Lori’s take on the episode here.

Today I noticed Alex had posted about Ted Haggard’s appearance on the Oprah Show. I like the way she doesn’t take the “He’s just a hypocrite” stance that so many other LGBTQ bloggers have. I like the way she can understand why he says the things he does. I like the way that she clearly makes the point that Haggard and his family could resolve the situation without losing their faith – that it’s the rules of their particular religion that prevents them from doing so right now.

And most of all, I like her last four paragraphs which demonstrate an insight that I’ve not seen expressed anywhere else. Anyone in a relationship in which one partner realizes their sexual or gender identity differs from the one they originally presented to their partner can learn from this, especially if they also have a strong religious faith.

As I commented on the post, the sad thing is that neither Haggard nor his wife are likely to ever read Alexandra’s words.

In order to be attracted to, and have a successful relationship with someone who is considering, or has crossed over the gender barrier, does a person need to have a little Q in them? I suspect the answer is yes but I’m well aware that this is a very sensitive subject touching on not only how the cisgender* partner self-identifies, but also how their transgender partner might feel about the way s/he is seen in relationship to her/his cis partner once s/he has fully transitioned. If a wife considers herself straight while married to a man, and continues to consider herself straight after her spouse has transitioned to become a woman, wouldn’t that mean that either she still sees her spouse as male, or that she no longer feels that erotic energy towards her mate? Neither of which would seem, to me, to be a good thing for either spouse. Or is there a way to really and truly feel that you are only attracted to one gender, except for the unique and singular case of the person you have already spent much of your life with? I’d still argue that in this case, there’s a little queerness creeping in!

There’s also the question of the difference between a relationship that started before transition was even contemplated, and a relationship that didn’t begin until after transition was complete. In the latter case, I would assume that someone who was prepared to make a lifetime commitment to a post-transition partner with all that that entails would already have identified themselves as a little off the straight track, although I can see that for the trans partner, having someone willing to make that commitment while remaining firm in his/her straight identity would be very affirming. (I’m not talking about post-transition relationships where there has been no disclosure, as that’s a topic in and of itself.)

I’m not a big believer in labels myself, but in the case that triggered the original post (the application of LGBT scholarships), I suppose it is important to “find what fits”. Those of you out there reading who are in relationships right now, how do you (or your partner) view this? Does it apply? What possibilities have escaped my notice?

* Editor’s Note:  “Cisgender” refers to a person whose gender identity and biological sex, as assigned at birth, match.  Contrast that to a transgender person in whom those factors diverge.

My twin brother, Eli, is jealous of sea horses. They are the only animal species in which the male gives birth to the offspring. Male sea horses have brood pouches where the female deposits her eggs. The eggs then hatch in the father’s pouch, where the young continue to live until they are expelled into the ocean after strenuous labor that can last several days.

Eli is a transgender man, and lived the first 20 years of our lives as my fraternal twin sister. I have plenty of memories of my twin as a little girl, as Emma, not Eli. More often, though, my memories adjust to represent Eli as I know him now, as my brother.

I am fascinated to read of how the desire for biological children is quite uncoupled from gender identity. I hope that one day Eli will find happiness as a parent.

Read the full article here.

The format was a little different in that the female documentary-maker (unnamed, and unseen) gave a narration that showed she became a true friend to Jan Hamilton during the filming. Apart from a few interactions that Jan has with people in her life, we don’t get to see or hear from others during the hour-long show. From the start, when we see footage of “Captain Ian Hamilton” of the Elite Parachute Regiment hiking through the jungle, Jan is on-camera almost all the time.

We are introduced to Jan, who tells us that she is a 42-year-old woman trapped in a man’s body. The narrator informs us that Jan will be the first officer in the (presumably British) armed forces to “undergo a sex change” – transition. She continues on to say that during the making of the documentary, she came to fully understand the price that Jan must pay to go through this.

Jan takes us through her daily routine of voice exercises, putting on makeup, tucking, and – after she shows us her thinning hair – putting on her wig. “I’m still Ian when I wake up.” Each morning she jogs four miles, in an effort go from 224 lbs and 14″ biceps, down to 154 lbs. Despite only having dressed in public for four months, Jan is ready to go to Thailand for FFS, “to have my face rebuilt to make me look like a woman”.

“I hid behind this big wall of being a paratrooper … I hated myself and I hated the world and I hated being in the world.” Jan had an overpowering sense of the wrong person, the wrong body.

While we watch her undergoing an obviously painful laser session, the narrator tells us about her enforced coming out. When Jan was warned that the British tabloid newspaper “News of the World” was after her transition story, she took her story voluntarily to a rival newspaper without having the time to prepare the army or her parents for what she was about to do. She paid a heavy price, losing not only her army career, but also her friends and all contact with her family. Later she tells us that she had wanted to continue her career and hadn’t imagined the rejection she was shown. Tabloid headlines blared out the loss of her £45,000/year salary.

We see Jan shopping for dresses and talking to a typical British woman of an older generation. When the woman leaves the store, Jan quietly wonders if she “scared her off”, showing her lack of confidence and doubts about interacting with others.

Jan moved to Blackpool after walking out of her 20-year marriage, due to feelings of confusion and dysphoria, knowing she could never be the spouse that her wife Morag needed. However, she was still two years away from transition, and her new girlfriend Rachel was not fully aware of her new “boyfriend’s” eventual goal to become a woman. During an interview with the two of them, Rachel shares that even after six months of Jan going full-time, she is still struggling to come to terms with it. At the beginning of the relationship, Jan was living part-time and going to work as a paratrooper. Although Rachel could see what was coming, she was in denial and when she was forced to face the truth of the situation, she felt like someone had punched her in the stomach, and knew they could not continue in a relationship. Jan cut in, “We had to find a way of ending that part of the relationship” and gave Rachel the freedom to move on in life, despite still loving her very much. Jan says “It would be nice if Rachel were a lesbian”, and they both laugh nervously. We can tell that’s not the case. Rachel tells us that every guy she dates now, she can’t help thinking “But you’re not Ian”. The couple still live together, and the feelings between them are intense as Jan takes Rachel’s hand and says “We have our ups and downs”. After a pause, Rachel responds “I pretend that Ian died…”

So why did Jan seek out the horror and violence of war? It was a final stab at saying “No, I’ve got to be a guy because everyone wants me to be.” Her military career obviously meant a lot to her – she has a picture of the time that she received a medal from Prince Edward, along with a humorous anecdote about how she still doesn’t have possession of the actual medal itself. She tries on the jacket from her dress uniform, and shows how she’s lost about 4-5 inches from the circumference of her arms. It was a near-death experience during her last tour that made Jan realize she had to transition. She “didn’t want to be unhappy” for the rest of her life, and knew time might be running out.

“My dearest wish is to blend and be accepted as a woman. But that will never happen in the army. The hierarchy, my comrades, they all rejected me.”

However, this pain is nothing compared to what came next. Her parents sent her a letter that said she was no longer their child. Jan’s tears fall with increasing frequency as she blurts out “I am not a freak. I was just born different, that’s all. My body came out wrong – it’s nothing to do with sexual gratification in any way. I am not a transvestite, I am not shemale, I just want to be a woman, what is wrong with that?“

Six days later, Jan is in Thailand for her facial feminization surgery. She spent months researching on internet, looking for the right doctor and has settled on the well-known Dr. Suporn. We watch as Jan details the features she likes and the ones she hates. She brings out a picture of Sophia Loren, “This is who I’d like to look like”. I can see it – her features are already not too far from those of the famous Italian beauty. Dr. Suporn chuckles and nods encouragingly.

The narrator says she is shocked to hear the gruesome details of surgery, although Jan already knew what was to come. The surgeon will take off her forehead, reshape it and screw it back on again. He will give her breast implants, reshape her lips, split and sew her eyelids into an almond shape. He’ll even break her nose and reshape it into a more feminine profile. Ian’s face will be gone forever. A little sadly, Jan says, “This is the last time I will ever look at Ian. The world will never again see me as a man. The world will see me as a woman until the day I die. Ian has been wonderful to me, but no – he needs to go. But I’ll always remember him.”

In Jan’s hospital room, there are cards from friends, but nothing from her parents or girlfriend Rachel. But there is a card from her ex-wife Morag. Somewhat surprisingly, Jan says, “She has known me the longest, and has been the kindest … Rachel couldn’t really deal with this.” Just before she is wheeled into surgery, she says, “I never had a doubt. I have doubt in that I am scared, yes. But doubt about the decision, no. I never had that.”

“Like jumping out of an aeroplane. Green light go.”

After the operation is over, when she comes round, there is no one there she knows except for the documentary-maker. Jan has spent twelve hours on the operating table and can barely talk to the nurses. She has to wait for thirty-six hours to know if the surgery is a success. Then the bandages will come off.

Nurses gently swab the incisions on her face and finally Dr Suporn gives her a mirror. As she examines her new features, the doctor explains to her how to manipulate her breast implants to ensure their flexibility. Jan says she feels “really good” that she doesn’t look like she used to look.

She returns home three weeks later, looking like the sister Ian never had. “Never a strong man around when you need one, is there?” she grumbles, struggling with carrying her luggage up the stairs. Rachel has now moved out, and for the first time, Jan is alone. “Welcome home, eh?”

Now, Jan has to make a new life with friends who have only known her as a woman. We’re there as she meets with two male friends in a coffee shop. They trigger my gaydar, but their sexuality is not discussed. Jan shows off her new silhouette to them, and all three talk and laugh about the details of the surgery she has just had.

There are still massive problems to overcome. Alone and unemployed, Jan is forced to sell the intricate details of her operation to a newspaper, in order to have any income at all. As time goes on, her optimism is stretched. She comes to the conclusion that people don’t see a woman when they look at her, they just see “a good-looking transsexual”. She fears she will only ever be a good fascimile of a woman.

At this point, between her two surgeries, Jan takes us on a journey into the past. She still hopes for a reconciliation with her parents, but doesn’t think it will happen. She grew up in northeast Scotland and goes back to confront issues from her childhood. We hear that she came out to mother by telephone, telling her it would be in the papers. Her parents responded with a letter saying that their son was dead and she was never to contact them again. Jan was struck by how the response was based on how it would affect them. Her father wrote, “How do I go to the golf course to renew my subscription when everyone knows what you’ve done?”. Once again, the tears fall as Jan says, “I no longer have anybody who loves me, and that’s hard … We all need someone to give you that unconditional acceptance.” The film-maker says, “Jan could not take me to meet her parents.”

After a montage of childhood 8mm footage of growing up and playing in a playground, and some old photos, Jan talks about a deep dark secret. She was sexually abused from the age of 12. Talking in a park, she describes how she used to come up there, dressed. She would wander round the park as a girl. “The only way I can stand here is to talk about it.” With a palpable sense of shame, she says there was an “element of consensual sex. I was treated as a woman, and it was quite loving. Then I was asked to do things, or have things done to me, and I would come away with shame, feeling dirty about it.” There was no one to talk to about it. When she was seventeen, she told her abuser “If you ever do that to me again, I’ll kill you” and he backed off. The lesson she learned – “That’s what you do as a man, act aggressive” – that was what ultimately drove her to the army.

There’s a surprise in store. Jan has contacted Morag, her wife of twenty years. Morag has written back saying “I’m just happy that you’re alive”. We watch them as they meet and talk for the first time as two women, and can see that this was very difficult for Morag. Jan confronts her, “When you got angry with me last night, you called me Ian.” They bicker like the old married couple they once were. Morag didn’t want to talk about her life with Ian, and was obviously less sure about the future than Jan, who tried to reassure her. It was a bittersweet reunion, with obvious strong feelings, but no sense of a reconciliation.

It is Remembrance Sunday, when the nation gathers to honor those of the armed forces who gave their lives in time of war. This year, Jan has come to lay Ian, the solider, to rest. “I am really happy with who I am now, and that person is not a soldier. There is no more Captain Hamilton.” And again, the tears fall.

In February 2008, Jan returns to Thailand to “have her genitals removed” (as phrased by the narrator). This is the final stage, we’re told. Genital reassignment surgery. Jan is unnervingly calm and undaunted, and we see her shopping for new underwear. Back in the hospital, Dr Suporn describes the procedure. In deference to US TV censors, BBC America blurs out the photos on the doctor’s laptop. (I wonder if they did the same when the program was shown in the UK.) Jan’s reaction? “Fabulous!” Dr Suporn tells Jan that although she will not be able to reproduce, she will be able to have sex and reach orgasm. To that extent, Jan is no different from many genetic females. “He will take my scrotum and turn that into a vagina … Goodbye to my best friend willy and …”. She laughs. But her emotions are in turmoil. “This time I’m fucking terrified”. When asked about what she’d like her parents to know, she responds “Just to love me, that’s all. They’re my mum and dad, and I need them an awful lot. I’m really happy as a woman. I’m just so bloody lonely all the time.” The tears fall in torrents.

It is the Chinese New Year on the day when she will “get her new genitals and new gender.” The last remnants of Ian will be removed by the surgeon’s knife. As she is wheeled in, she turns to the camera and says, “Tell my parents I never meant to hurt them, if something goes wrong, okay?”

We see her being put under, and after 8 hours of surgery, she is wheeled out. The narrator muses, “Now perhaps she’ll have the future she wants, as a woman called Jan.”

Wrapping up the documentary, Jan talks about the results of the GRS. “Not very pretty at the moment … like a badly-burned donut … Odd to feel like there’s still something down there.” She is proud of the effort she’s put in to become a woman. Was it worth it? “Oh, yes, 10 times, 100 times.”

“Yes, I am a woman now, and I’m happy.” *sniff* “Truly, I’m truly happy.”

You might expect that anybody who has had a sex change, or even just cross-dresses on occasion, would suffer a wage cut because of social stigmatization. Wrong, or at least partly wrong. Turns out it depends on the direction of the change: the study found that earnings for male-to-female transgender workers fell by nearly one-third after their gender transitions, but earnings for female-to-male transgender workers increased slightly.

As a cisgendered female who has always worked in traditionally male jobs, I find this interesting, but not surprising.

I was also amused (but not surprised) by the last two paragraphs:

Ben Barres, a female-to-male transgender neuroscientist at Stanford, found that his work was more highly valued after his gender transition. “Ben Barres gave a great seminar today,” a colleague of his reportedly said, “but then his work is much better than his sister’s.”

Dr. Barres, of course, doesn’t have a sister in academia.

So many things struck me with this, such as the shear ignorance of some of her fellow racers, with their primary complaints being that she weighed more, and had more “muscle fibers”. (I’ve met many cisfemales who are heavier and stronger!) Also the fact that they were apparently quite happy to be her friend until she won – what does that say about the prevailing competitiveness in our society today? Finally, the conversation with the guy with the French accent as they ride up to the top of the hill – I’d love to believe that was staged, but sadly I’m sure it wasn’t.

I’m glad that the petition against her was ignored, and I was impressed by the conversation they showed where she explained her status to her fellow competitors. There were genuine reactions, with the issues that commonly come up with the cisgendered who have not encountered a transwoman before.

I haven’t watched Parts 2 through 6 yet. But I know I will.

What do you think?

I knew that I wanted to write a post about ‘Born in the Wrong Body: A Change of Heart’ before it even aired, especially so because many of my friends told me they were reluctant or nervous about watching it for themselves. As someone who has not made a gender transition even once (let alone twice, or even three times!) I felt I could view it dispassionately and objectively.

However, after seeing it, I found myself affected in quite unexpected ways. The aspects that I expected to feel negatively about were just not there, and my overall reaction was very mixed – finding both positive and negative emotions rolling together leaving me … somewhat neutral. I have decided simply to write a synopsis of what we were shown, and leave it up to the reader to come to their own conclusions. I’m sure if this spurs you to watch the show, you can find it on YouTube, or coming up in MSNBC’s frequent re-run schedule.

I’m going to use the pronouns that (mostly) match the current gender presentation of the two people shown in the documentary. (If this offends you, I’m sorry – in a case like this, there simply is no “right way”.) Without further ado, here’s what we learn:

It was stressed up front that of all those who transition, only a very, very tiny proportion ever “go back”. In fact, I suspect the two subjects we follow were the only ones who could be identified and were willing to have their stories told. Most similar documentary programs feature three or more subjects to give a wider experience.

Born as Charles, our first subject reveals that his gender wasn’t exactly clear to the doctor who delivered him. He had ambiguous genitalia, including an organ that was somewhere between a testicle and an ovary. The decision was made to raise him as a boy, although he says he never fit in as a child, and started growing breasts at age 12. (Right there is the point at which I feel most transgendered people will say “Aha! Okay, this doesn’t apply to me”.) He tried dating girls, but had his first boyfriend at the age of 17 – and thought he’d found the label that applied to him. “Oh! I’m gay!” However, he still found difficulty in fitting in with the gay culture, and two suicide attempts quickly followed.

Charles decided it would be easier to live as a female – it would fit better with his natural gestures and mode of speech. Having made this decision, he was like a “speeding locomotive headed towards [his] goal”. He never dreamt he would have any desire to return to living as a male. As Judy, he started taking hormones at the age of 19, and two years later had FFS. A pair of 38DDD breasts (“to fit my 6′ frame”) followed which made a career as an exotic dancer very lucrative. In fact, the earnings from dancing in nightclubs paid for GRS at the age of 24.

Judy had had a total of seven years of therapy before GRS, and the narrator interjected at this point to explain the “legal and ethical” Standards of Care that doctors follow before performing such surgery. Despite rejection by some family members, there was a welcome acceptance from a non-judgmental grandmother, and Judy started to dream of a husband, marriage, the house with a white picket fence and a dog in the yard. However, there was always the constant worry when living in 100% stealth. “I can’t just go out and date a straight guy – at what point do I tell him?” Judy’s first marriage was to a man who was unaware that his wife was a transsexual. However, the pressure was too great and they were divorced after only six months without the truth ever being revealed.

Judy married again two years later after finding someone through a “tell all” personal ad. However, this approach was no more successful and ended in a second divorce. A string of short-lived relationship failures followed and doubt crept into Judy’s mind about ever finding happiness as a woman.

Exhausted, discouraged and disheartened, he educated himself on issues of gender and decided this life as a female was not genuine for him – was not who he really was. A clip was shown where – still living as Judy with hip-length hair – he says he thought about issues of faith and God and turned to the organization ‘JONAH’ (Jews Offering New Alternatives to Homosexuality), where reparative therapy was used to “cure” those who sought a solution to their troubled lives.

However, the return to life as a man – under the new name of Josef – was not triggered by religion or any other organization. In fact, he tells us, he’s not sure if God exists. “I simply grew out of the feelings that I had that made me want to live as a female”. Josef tells us that he has gone through a revolution, evolved, grown. He does not regret his original decision to become a woman, and would not discourage anyone else from undergoing SRS – but he would urge them to explore all other options first. He comes up with several opposing feelings about the detransition, “It’s scary being a male, there is familiarity and safety in being a female” versus “I can walk the way my body is built to walk – lumbering, male steps.”

These days, Josef does a lot of body building to recover his male physique. He tells us it’s “good to be free of the 38DDD boobs that were swinging around all the time”. Although he’s not going to have a second set of bottom surgery – there is no way to return a fully-functional set of male genitalia – he seems at ease with equipment that still looks and functions like a female. He speaks of how others want to put people into “male” and “female” boxes with no room for anything in-between. Josef has found a way to be comfortable with himself – most importantly, with being gay which is a comfort he did not have when he was male the first time around. He does make the point that as a gay man with female anatomy, it is hard to find a loving relationship – someone who likes him the way he is.

He concludes by saying it is “weird to talk about Judy as like another person” which makes him very different from the second subject of the program.

Michael describes himself as “impulsive, a lone wolf”. We see him in his current “biker” persona as we hear about his unconventional route through transition. His desire to be a woman was like the desire for “riches, for a pot of gold”. As a child, he had learning disabilities and behavioral problems. He also never fit in – until he discovered the punk rock movement in college. He quickly became involved in street gangs, and picked up a nasty drug habit. His solution to being depressed and suicidal was an overnight transition. He was never “part time” – he called his therapist and told her “I’m coming as a woman to therapy today”. When she asked him, “Don’t you think we should talk about this first?” he agreed – but turned up as a woman anyway. He says he never cared if he was an “ugly woman”, but became a shopoholic, and got compliments on his make-up techniques. “As Michelle I was hotter than most of the genetic girls I hung out with.”

Within a year, Michelle had brand new 36D breasts through surgery (although the documentary was unclear whether GRS was also undertaken). Interviewed in the present, Michael always talks about Michelle in the third person, and showed us the empty closet that contained Michelle’s clothes. He says he didn’t have to try to act as a woman, that it came naturally. There was also never a desire for men sexually, just an interest in women. He describes himself as a male lesbian with a dislike for male/female sexual relations. “I like to make love like two women make love”. Michael also refers to his male genitalia as “Snoopy” – “It was always hard making sure Snoopy was tucked up out of the way”.

For Michael, religion was clearly the catalyst that inspired his transition back. As Michelle, there was always a struggle to maintain relationships and a feeling of loneliness. A friend extended an invitation to Calvary Chapel in Fort Lauderdale, where the charismatic Pastor Bob was enthralling. There was no clue that the church would try to impose a change – but that’s what happened. After several months of attending, Michael was fully transformed back to male, including breast removal – but with this transformation he began to spiral into emotionally disturbed behavior which the church members were unprepared to deal with. He finally went to a competent psychologist who diagnosed him with Borderline Personality Disorder. A very brief interview with Pastor Bob tells us that “Michael’s not the first person to be disappointed by the church”, and that some transgender people detransition “quite happily”.

Michael plans to stay a man, but wishes he was still Michelle. The return has been extremely difficult with three suicide attempts and a relapse into drug addiction. He tells us that Michelle had a social life, people who wanted her in their lives. However, he has no money to go back to being Michelle, no family support and very few friends. We see the reminders in his home of Michelle, the flowers in the pink bathroom.

“I miss her so much … The one thing that I do want would be to have never switched back from Michelle to Michael.”

In the end what I know for sure is that I don’t understand the hatred some people feel/show towards transgendered people. Even if you don’t understand it, even if it freaks you out a little, why does that translate into painting ‘die freaks’ on their house? (That’s what happened in the show.) ‘Freaky’ often just means ‘something I would never do’ or ‘something I don’t understand’ and that isn’t enough reason to hate on someone. It just isn’t.

I encourage you to go check out Chosha’s blog. I love how she’s taken up the challenge of educating herself on a topic in which, at first glance, she has no personal involvement.

And she’s a fan of the Riftgirl too! Yay!!

There is no reason to comment anonymously. WordPress allows you to enter any name, nickname or “handle” when you comment, and the email address you enter is only visible to the blog administrators, not to the general reader or even contributors. It is far better to create an identity under which to carry on discourse – it makes the dialog far less confusing.

Making such a big deal out of being “anonymous” is trolling. We welcome a wide range of opinions as it does add to the discussion and make us all think a little deeper about these issues. However, we ask that you do so openly. We will never require that you identify yourself in such a way as to reveal your real life identity – I think we’re all too aware of how dangerous that can be to some of us in the “community”. Or even some of us who wish to remain outside such a community.

That said, carry on discussing!