It is a sad and aggravating story about a woman that adopted a baby that turned out to be intersex. Not that big of a deal on the surface right. Well not quite so fast. The doctor wanted to do invasive surgery to “FIX” the child and the mother told the doctor not to do any surgery at all. Later, after the mother had taken the baby home, the doctor called her and told her that the baby’s single testicle may become cancerous and they should do a biopsy to make sure. The doctor CLEARLY went against the mother’s wishes and removed the testicle trying to turn the child into a girl. UGGGGGGGG. PLEASE WATCH THIS VIDEO. I feel that it is very important that everyone watches the video and if you can please pass it on to others.
Why is it so important? Have you heard of Alice Dreger? To quote TSRoadmap, “Dreger is the J. Michael Bailey of the intersex community: someone whose trade is writing and speaking about controversies surrounding marginalized populations.” Read this and maybe you’ll understand. Anyways, its people like this that give make this world so difficult for the intersex and transgender communities. Ugggg. I also believe its attitudes like this “I know better than you” that give doctors like the one in the story above the attidude that they can do anything they want. What do you think?
I said I would keep it short, so I’ll say good night for now. Thanks for listening.
Michelle

I have a few very important things (I feel they are at least) to discuss. I would like to bring to your attention of a few new regulations that have been put forth that could have some very disturbing realities for transgender people (Heck, the whole LGBT community for that matter).  I’m on the mailing list of the National Center for Transgender Equality news and this week they sent out two emails alerting me of some new regulations that affect us.  (Both emails are currently available on NCTE’s news page.)  Here’s the first one:

December 11, 2008
Dear Friends,

I wanted to make you aware of some changes to the Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA) that could impact the lives of transgender people.  The FMLA was enacted in 1993 to ensure that employees would be able to take unpaid leave from work in certain circumstances related to medical care for them or their families.  The emphasis on medical privacy in the original FMLA is especially vital for transgender people.

However, on November 17, 2008, the Department of Labor published final regulations for the FMLA that erode medical privacy and could have long-lasting adverse effects on transgender people when they take effect as planned on January 16, 2009.  These new regulations appear to be part of the Bush Administration’s final effort to enshrine ideologically driven policies in advance of the Obama Administration taking office.

IMPACT OF THE NEW REGULATIONS

The new regulations reveal private medical information and could subject transgender people to harassment and discrimination.

• Unlike the current policy, the new policy requires doctors to list their specialization as well as medical facts relating to the employee’s condition on the medical certification form given to one’s employer.  A person’s transgender status could be revealed, requiring the individual to choose between a job and important medical care related to transition.

• The new regulations allow the employer to contact the employee’s health care provider to authenticate the medical certification, as long as the employer representative making that contact is not the employee’s direct supervisor.

The new regulations allow employers, not doctors, to determine whether an employee has a serious health condition that would make them eligible for unpaid leave.

• Because the recovery times for transition-related surgery and treatment are often extensive, it is extremely important that employees be allowed to take leave when doctors say it is warranted, regardless of whether employers believe the time off is medically necessary.

Family members may have to reveal the transgender status of their partners, children, or relatives to receive leave.

• A family member who is trying to take FMLA leave to care for their partner, child, or relative may be subjected to increased harassment and discrimination, and the family member’s FMLA claim may be denied.

Over the next few months, we will continue to update you about the work NCTE is doing to protect your medical privacy. In the meantime, we urge you to contact your Members of Congress to encourage them to expand FMLA and to encourage them to work with the Obama Administration to repeal these harmful regulations.

Sincerely,

Mara Keisling
Executive Director
NCTE

And the second email:

December 18, 2008
Dear Friends,

We had no idea yesterday when we sent you word of the impending new regulations around the Federal Medical Leave Act (FMLA) that they would be merely the second worse [sic] regulations to tell you about this week.  Then today, the Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) released what can only be described as breathtakingly immoral regulations that could prevent transgender people from getting any health care whatsoever.  In their press release, DHHS said that the “Provider Conscience” rule ensures “the right of federally-funded healthcare providers to decline to participate in services to [which] they object.”

What the press release does not say is that if this is allowed to go into effect in January, transgender people, already struggling for healthcare access, could be turned away by any medical provider who feels that transgender status is against their moral, religious, or even personal beliefs.

IMPACT OF THE NEW REGULATIONS

In essence, any person who works in a hospital or other health care facility, including medial technicians, pharmacists, and janitors, would not have to perform their jobs if doing so would offend their beliefs.

While this regulation would have profound effect on everyone’s access to healthcare, transgender people could potentially be denied care at overwhelming rates, even for preventive care or emergency medical treatment.

Although we wanted to make you aware of the “Provider Conscience” regulations, we want you to know that they are not scheduled to take effect until January 18, 2009 and healthcare facilities have until October 1, 2009 to comply.  You should not in any way be afraid of seeking health care at this point; not only are the rules not in effect yet, but most healthcare providers will continue to treat transpeople appropriately despite the prejudices of the very few who support these new regulations.

You should know that NCTE is working with numerous organizations to advocate that the incoming Obama Administration and members of Congress repeal this immoral policy.

We will continue to provide you with updates about he work NCTE is doing to stop these regulations from being implemented. Meanwhile, you can draw attention to the outrageousness of this rule by calling your members of Congress as well as encouraging the incoming administration to repeal it before it is even implemented.

Thank you for your continued support,

Mara Keisling
Executive Director
NCTE

Now, it disturbs me that a president (How much longer do we have to wait ’til he’s out of here? Ugh) would have the gall to strip off the protections of so many Americans. It also disturbs me that a president can be swayed so strongly by the religious right (or any radical group for that matter) and have Congress just sit back and watch this crap happen. Government is supposed to protect their citizens and yet this administration has done everything it could to strip protections from minorities everywhere. What’s going to happen if a trans person is turned away from emergency care and is thrown out of a hospital and dies on their door step? I guess with these new regulations – nothing. There is something totally wrong with this picture. What will happen when the first African-American is turned away in by some bigoted southern doctor and dies on his/her door step?  How about this, what if a atheist turns away services to a Christian because of their beliefs? I will bet that the atheist will have the police there at his/her door step quicker than you could count to 3. The protections were there for a reason. To protect everyone and not just a select few. But I guess coming from this administration, it is nothing new.

I have the same comments on the new regulations for the FMLA. There is so much that could go wrong with this new regulation that it really bothers me. What ever happened to privacy rights? This could lead to so many discrimination problems that it’s ridiculous. It is no business of the employer what the employee went to the doctor for. I could see someone with some sickness being afraid to go to the doctor now, afraid of being fired because of some diagnosis. Hell, I bet you could find an employer that would fire someone just because they were diagnosed with depression. There are some diseases or sicknesses that are very personal to people and should be kept private and some that if left untreated could be deadly. These new regulations have such far reaching consequences that I’m really beginning to worry about our nation of ours. What do you think?

Michelle Lee

As many of you know that follow my blogs, I’ve talked about the support I’ve had from my kids and wife on my transition. Well, a while back I had asked my son if he would mind writing something from his own perspective on the news of me being transgender. He told me that he would not have a problem at all doing that. I explained that there are many views on this topic and I would like to share his view. So without me getting long winded I hand over the podium to my son Ryan.

When my father first asked me to write this, I was rather uneasy as to why something like this was necessary. Why should I need to write how I feel about my own father? Then I realized how selfish that sounds, but I also came to realize though, that I was uneasy not because I did not want to tell my father how I felt about him. Rather, I found it sad that because of the society we currently live in, people need reassurance from their own family about who they truly are. Have we gone so far as to have people hide and feel uneasy about their natural identity?

I want you to know Dad that nothing has changed the way I feel about you. If anything, I am happier for you, seeing that your life is really starting to fall in place, and that you are truly searching for happiness in the face of the whole world telling you otherwise. It takes a lot of emotional strength to do something like that, something the average person would rather not do. Its why we see masses of people conforming to such close minded ways of thinking, to the point where what is right and what is wrong is dictated to us by another, and that we are out of place to say otherwise. But not you Dad, you believe in what you stand for and you don’t let others tell you otherwise. I admire you for that. Don’t let them hold you back from your dreams. Most of the greatest men and women I have studied about in school shared that same rare characteristic that you do. You are not scared to stand up for what you believe, even when it is something so radically different in the eyes of the masses. You are not afraid to push the envelope and work to make this country a better and more just place for people to live in. If we had more people who thought this way, I think we would be living in a much better world than we do today.

So what I say Dad, is do what your heart tells you to, and forget about the rest. In the end, it is what matters most. Personally, I would rather be proud and shout out for who I am, than desperately be trying to live a life for who I am not. And I feel like you would agree with this, and I hope that someday I will have as much courage as you do. There is so much wrong in the world and it is our obligations to humanity, as human beings, to work for a better place for everybody. You and I, we may just be a small dot on the map. We may not have the political power and money to make drastic changes. But what we do have is the power of numbers. More and more like-minded people are slowly coming together and bringing light to these issues. You have realized it, and I am glad that you are becoming more involved in these movements. So that one day, when these stupid laws and attitudes are changed, you can say to yourself you helped make this world a better place, and it all started because you listened to your heart, and simply accepted who you truly are.

I love you Dad, I hope you know nothing you have or ever will do will change that. And just know that I believe in you completely, you can do this, and you have my complete and utter support.

Your Son,
Ryan

To my son,

I have to say that after reading this letter I can see that you yourself will go very far in the future. I’m proud to be your parent and have a chance to get to know a wonderful person that you have come to be. I can only wish that who ever reads this will also see what I have known all your life. That you are a genuine, caring and compassionate human being.

Love Dad

P.S. OK, ok. We haven’t gotten to the point of using proper pronouns yet, lol. We have time

During my skimming of the sites discussing TDOR, I came across some links to sites that profess to know what’s best for me (yah right) and I’d like to take some of the comments that were left at these various sites and personally reply to them here.

Note: Some comments are in reference to President-elect Barack Obama including sexual orientation and gender identity in his non-discrimination policy. But I felt a need to address some of these comments here because many show their ignorance and hatred toward trans people and felt it was important to discuss these issues.

“Well, there you go. Happy liberals? It makes me sick to my stomach.”
I never considered myself liberal, but yes it does make me happy. Happy that there is FINALLY someone in the White House who will give me the respect that I or anyone else deserves. Someone who will not discriminate against me because I am transsexual. If this makes you sick to your stomach I suggest that you take some milk of magnesia and call your doctor in the morning.

“I sincerely pray this doesn’t happen. What a short sighted policy with only one group being considered.”
One group you say. I believe he’s including everyone in this policy. From his Change.Gov site “The Obama-Biden Transition Project does not discriminate on the basis of race, color, religion, sex, age, national origin, veteran status, sexual orientation, gender identity, disability, or any other basis of discrimination prohibited by law.” Now does that sound like one group? Not to me.

“People should be content with the way God made them, and if they are having trouble with that, seek godly council.”
First off, I don’t have a problem with the way God made me. I’ve accepted the challenges put in front of me and I’m ready to move forward with what I need to do to make my life better for myself. I’m not a mistake, I’m not a freak or anything else that you’d like to call me. I feel I have this condition for a reason and I plan on doing what I can do deal with it. If that means transitioning to the gender I was meant to be, then so be it. You’re the one that seems to have a problem with me being transsexual; maybe you should take your own advice.

“Gays and Lesbians can be delivered of this sin/sickness thru our Lord Jesus Christ! Obama is opening the door to more molestations to our children with this decision as well. Our country will need to pray continuously and stand up and fight for all Christian beliefs as that is what this country was founded on! God Bless!”
I’m sorry, but if you really believe I want anything to do with your children, you have another think coming. I have two wonderful supportive kids of my own. I too want to protect them from the molesters, but you are sadly barking up the wrong tree when you suggest that I would want to do anything to your children. Studies have shown that the only real treatment for someone who truly is transsexual is to accept who they are and do what they can to make their life better. Sometimes that means transitioning to their known gender. Nothing else has been shown to work, not shock therapy, confinement, religious institutionalization or any other treatment. By the way, the majority of the child molesters out there are not even in the LGBT community, and maybe you should look to them with your prayers. If you want to pray for anything, please pray for the 100’s of trans people who have been murdered for just trying to be themselves.

“As a woman who regards my gender as a gift rather than something to be disrespect, I don’t particularly find it either respectful or considerate for some guy who thinks he has to be “one of the girls” just because he likes to wear dresses any good reason to take over the women’s bathroom. Your choice-a very self-centered choice-is an assault on healthy, normal people. Just because you can’t figure out how to be a man isn’t cause for you to defile my feminity. I don’t appreciate that you make me have to put up with your self-gratifying, self-centered deprivation. Go to the men’s bathroom…honey. And go on ahead, call me a hater. What I really hate is how you deviates push your ugly behavior on normal, healthy people.”
I’m sorry that you feel I’m disrespecting you in any way, but that is far from the truth. You called it correctly though, you are a hater no matter how you slice it. There are millions of trans people in this world who just want to be left alone to live their lives as quietly as possible. I should be the one insulted by you “defiling my feminity”. Yes, I am a woman whether you like it or not. I’ve know it since I was 6 years old and that’s the God honest truth. BTW, if I walk in the women’s restroom, you or any other woman in that restroom is the last thing on my mind. I just want to get in there and do my business and get out like any other self respecting woman would. I would respectfully ask you and others to do your research on transgender people before you place judgment on me or any other trans person. There are several studies suggesting that there is a biological connection to this condition.

“God help us!”
Yes , God help us all to see that we are a loving people and that we mean no harm to any other. Although many of you would not even think twice about killing us, writing us off as rejects, denying us the same civil rights that every human being should have.  Too many have died at the hands of creeps who murdered Teish Cannon this past Friday with a gunshot to the chest. Or Lawrence King who was shot to death by a classmate at school, he was only 15. Duanna Johnson who was beaten badly by on-duty police officers in Memphis, TN. She was later shot in the back of the head execution style.  There are too many to mention here. Yes, I ask God’s help in showing others to have compassion for others in their plight to be their true selves. To show the world that we have every right to be here as much as you do.

I’m not asking anyone to like me, I could care less if you do. All I ask is respect for who I am and let me live my life for who I really am. A Woman. How many more have to die? I will not stand here anymore and be quit. I’m here in this world for a purpose and I plan on living my life the best I can and to treat everyone I meet with respect and dignity.

In closing I’d suggest that everyone read Abby’s post from yesterday and check out the video and links she provided. Peace!

I watched the 20/20 episode on Thomas Beatie tonight (thank goodness for DVR) and I have to comment on some of the things that were discussed. First off, I’m glad that the baby does have parents that love and care for this child. I am disturbed by the lack of caring and hatred shown in some of the messages sent to Thomas and his family, wishing death to him and his family. HOW DARE THEY? Why do people insist on judging what they themselves do not understand? At least do your research before you dare to put any judgment on ANYONE.

TO THE ASSHOLE (please excuse my language) who said that God does not make mistakes. Did this asshole ever think that Thomas was put on this earth with the condition that he has, for a purpose? Maybe it was to show the world how diverse the universe really is. There are people born every day with conditions like missing fingers, arms, legs, born with genetic conditions like cleft lips or Down’s Syndrome for example. The list goes on and on. Just because someone is born transgender does not make them any different than anyone else. And it sure as heck does not make them any less human. And until recently (last 20 or so years), people who are transgender had no other options to treat their condition. We have a viable treatment now, so back off. We have the right to treat this condition and we will.

Sorry I got carried away, but all this gets to me at times. I’m pre-op and want to be able to provide for my family and continue to teach my kids what values and dignity really mean. And they will surely not be taught bigotry and hate. I’ve always taught my kids to respect others and treat them as they would want to be treated. I was not allowed to tell my kids until they each were around 15 that I was trans, but it didn’t make a difference. They love and respect me for who I am, not based on appearances, clothes or anything else. And yes, I have their support for my transition. I am so proud of them.

People should be ashamed of themselves to even think about taking Nancy’s parental rights away. They both seem to be a very loving couple and I’LL BET that their child will grow up to be a much better HUMAN than the bigots that have sent them hate mail or messages. If there is a case to take away parental rights, I’d say first look at the bigots out there. After all they are a much BIGGER threat to society than the Beaties. Ok, Nancy had issues conceiving a child and Thomas just happened to still have the right plumbing to conceive a child, so what. They both are the parents and the way I see it, they are doing their best to provide and take care of that child (ok, soon to be children). And another thing, what the heck is this Parent/Parent crap on the birth certificate of their child? Thomas is legally male and Nancy is legally female. What the heck is the issue, WAKE UP OHIO. Gee whiz!!!  [Editor's Note:  Thomas and Nancy Beatie actually live in Oregon.]

I see changes in attitudes everyday and that gives me hope for a brighter future for everyone. But the fact remains that there is a lot of work that still needs to be done to educate people on transgender issues. Sure, in the Beatie’s case, it brings up many issues that not as many people think about on a daily basis, but who’s to say that what they are going through right now, with having a child, will not be an issue with you or I later on down the road of our journey. I think everyone just needs to back off and let them take care of their new family. YES I SAID IT. FAMILY!!! So for me, they have my support and they will always have my support. I hope this family remains blessed and has a great future.

God Bless the Beaties.

This week has been an up and down week for me. It seems even with history being made in the election of a new President, which I thought would bring more hope to a lot of the nation (except for the ones who voted for McCain of course). It seems to have also started more divisiveness within the LGBT community (at least within the blogging world), which is sad. I’ve never really been the one to like to talk much about politics because it always brings out the worst in some people (which is another sad fact). I recently came across a few blogs on The Bilerico Project which seem to want to blame the blacks for losing to the Prop 8 proponents. Well, I myself will not go there. I’ve seen numbers that suggest that the blame is not on the black community itself, as many are suggesting. I’m sure that the proponents of Prop 8 are sitting around laughing at us as our community begins this infighting, which I’m sure they hope will tear us apart. I do not want that to happen as the right to marry should be for anyone of age.

Cindy Rizzo, a guest blogger, made what I thought were legitimate suggestions to get our rights back in California, Arizona and any other state that gets attacked by such crap. Here is my response to her blog and the comments she received:

Hi Cindy,
I’m a transsexual who recently found this blog. I’m also currently married to an Asian woman who has given me her support for my transition. This support did not come easy, but with time and a lot of discussion between us we have come a long way. You may say why is any of this relevant. She comes from a very strong Catholic background and without taking the time I did (almost 10 years, mind you, not every day) to educate her on my plight I don’t think I would have gotten her support. If I would have taken the route as some here are suggesting, “In your face, you will do what I say or else,” I’m sure I would not gotten anywhere with her. It seems some here want to force their view of the naysayers. How is that any better than what the political supporters of Prop 8 did and are doing? If we want to build more support for equal rights for all, then we need to better educate the public. It will be a hard fight, because the religious organizations do have a strong foothold in many of the communities that we need support from. Am I upset, YES I am. But to me, just sitting here blaming the Blacks, Latinos or any other group without even trying to have a intelligent dialog, I assure you will not get us anywhere. Education will be the key to our success and I believe Cindy has some valid points. We do have to strengthen our support with our allies and try to build up dialog between the ones that are opposed. If we can’t do at least that, I’m almost positive that we will not ever see any positive change for the future and it could even get worse by other states overturning the right to marry. I have a stake in this too as a transwoman; when I change the sex on my legal documents, they could have easily take away my right to stay married to my wife or any other woman. People, let’s join together and at least start taking a look at what didn’t work this time and correct those issues and do some proper education. Thank you all for your time.

I’ll take it even further. Sometimes people have to meet in the middle – now I didn’t see any of the ads supporting Prop 8 (I live in NY), but I’m sure not everything was true in their ads. What I mean by meeting in the middle is that we push for the right to marry, but not try and force a religious organization to do the ceremonies unless they support the right for the LGBT communities to marry who they like. There are other places to get married than a church, such as the courthouse, etc. The right to marry should be a fundamental right to all and not a select few, so I would not bend on that one, but I’m sure you see what I’m talking about.

Will we ever see the rights returned (especially after they seemed to be stolen from the people of California)?  I hope so. There are some blogs I’ve seen that suggest that they can be overturned because they are not constitutional. I really hope that they are overturned, because I really feel we have been burned by the religious right and many other organizations that supported Prop 8.

As I said in my reply to the original blog, I really feel that more education in the Black, Latino, Asian – hell in every community – is really needed. Things are better than they were 20 years ago, but they can get a lot better. If we continue to only attack the naysayers and not approach them with intelligence and dignity, what do you expect to get back? The same attacks and that will not get us anywhere. I hope we do have a better future with Obama for everyone.

Hugs, Michelle Lee

I wanted to take a few minutes and fill you in on some important information about some changes that will be made in the near future. I will change in some ways, but I will always be the same person. These steps I’m taking are very important for me. I do wish there was an easier way to move forward, but I have not found a better way. I have come to terms with this after careful research, analysis and professional guidance. I don’t take this lightly, I’m more informed then I ever was, and feel stronger than ever that I’m going in the right direction.

If you’re wondering what this is all about. I have Gender Dysphoria (DSM IV code is 302.85 or GID) I am a transsexual. In short. Since I was 5 years old, I have known that I was special and that there was something different about me. I always felt I was a girl, but my body did not match what I felt.

Because of the sex marker on my birth certificate I had to behave a certain way, feel a certain way, be a certain way. Since I was little I always was mindful of the mundane thing we all take for granted. How I stood. How I sat. What I wear. I’ve always been mindful of my interactions with others, and that I was not to femm. I just wanted to blend in to society. Which I did! GID has been crippling at times and I needed to stop fighting this and take action.

What does all this mean?

Well first off it will mean a lot of changes down the road for me and some adjustments at home. I’m working with therapist on the GID issues and have been in a semi-active transition the last 10 years. My first major goal is to live fulltime as a women. I have been making some advancement in that area and expect to start living fulltime within the next 2 years. I have been on hormones for over a year now and have had changes that are becoming noticeable (In the website links, I list a few sites that cover many of the changes you can expect). Some of the changes I make in the future may seen drastic, but I’m taking all this very serious and am under professional supervision. Eventually I will also change my name to Michelle. This will involve a lot of legal paperwork to change the drivers license, birth certificate, exc.. But it will be a necessary thing for me to do to live fulltime.

You may ask why I am doing this now. Well I guess I didn’t have the courage and understanding I have now to face this head on. As a child I never knew that there was anything that would ever help. I thought maybe there was something wrong with me, but I lived with it. I dealt with it daily. Until I was about 30 I thought there was not much I could do about all this. I always thought that all this would go away. But what I found as I got older it became more of a burden in my life. 10 years ago I started to learn about the research studies and finding many transgender friends I began to see a rainbow lighting the sky for my future. But still, I didn’t have the courage then to go fulltime. I do now! I know that this will never go away and I know what I need to do to be the best person I can be to my family and I. Transition!

I know that to some of you, this may have be a shock. But rest assured, I given this VERY careful thought. I have also talked with Vicky and the kids a lot the last few years about it and I currently have their support. I’m sure that you may questions for me. I will answer any question that you may have, so feel free to ask.

In closing, I’d just like to I’d like to quote a good friend of mine: Abigail Jensen

“In my experience, sacrifice of my own truth only leads to pain for everyone … not just me, but everyone. There is unquestionably much pain that comes with transitioning, but it is the pain of stripping away the illusion of who we are not, to find the truth of who we are. Painful as that might be, finding and living our truth (whether that includes transitioning only you can decide) offers the only chance that we and those we love can grow to know the truth about ourselves. And only by knowing ourselves can we, and they, find the peace, love and joy we all deserve and desire.

Websites

Here are a few sites that will provide plenty of information.
Dr. Anne Lawrence’s resource website
Understanding gender Dysphoria
International Foundation for Gender Education
Gender Identity Research and Education Society
Crissy Wild’s Medical Links

Well, as I watched the time go by yesterday morning, I tried to get a few things together before I had to take my daughter to a student council picnic where she was to hang out with the incoming freshmen and answer any question they had about the school. I dropped her off at her school and went back home to try and put together what I wanted to take. I couldn’t decide on what to take so I ended up packing several outfits that ended up filling a duffle bag that came to my waist. I packed a couple pair of shoes and a pair of boots that I’ve been waiting for the right time to break them in, along with makeup and a few other little necessities for the evening. I’m just glad that bag had wheels so it made it easier to move around.

We were supposed to meet up at a hotel that most of the girls rent out for the night, this place is TG friendly (specially on the evening of the TG party). When I finally got there, there was several other girls there getting dressed. My friend Brittney and A?? greeted me and we shared a big hug. I proceeded to get ready for the evening and after my personal makeover, I was really starting to get excited about getting out to Triangles. In a way, I was surprised to see so many getting ready at the same time. But it actually turned out to be a nice evening. I met another TS girl, she was very nice and I was pleasantly surprised to learn that she was TS/fulltime. We talked a little bit at the changing room, and later in the evening. It was nice to get to know other TS’s in the area.

Brittney and I had a great time talking and catching up on what’s been going on with each other. She even got out on the dance floor, but I stayed to watch the table. As the evening went on there were more guys that would show up, and I was enjoying watching these two guys dance together. They were pretty good as they dipped and spun around. SH*@, I just realized something. Last night was one of the most freeing times I’ve had in a long time. I felt more confident in myself, but still got a bit of self doubt. I felt more comfortable being myself last night then I do in my drab mode (remember duality?). I think maybe I’m feeling a pendulum swinging but it’s starting to lean more towards the person I need to be. Last night I did not want this feeling to go away. Last night I felt, I don’t know how to explain it. As if something in me was just freed, I felt like I never felt before walking around the bar. And being able to spend this time with a great friend was awesome. One other thing that happened last night was a guy asked me to dance. I said to myself, “What the heck should I say.” I blurted out the only thing I could think of, “I’m sorry but we are leaving in a little bit”. I was flattered that someone would ask me to dance, but I think my shyness got in the way. We left shortly after that. Once we got out side we exchanged hugs. On my drive home last night, I looked back on the evening with a great since of freedom. The Freedom to be myself, the freedom to enjoy the evening through, MY EYES! It’s a nice place to be J I hope I can hold on to it for a while longer.

I’d like to talk about something that Suzi talked about in her blog, “Reaching out”. You never know what a difference you could make in someone’s life. Brittney and I have reached out to each other at times to help support each other in what we were about to do. I see a bright and cheery future for her. I think in a way I was trying to reach out last night. I have been feeling shallow lately and was in need of some justification of me! As we talked I felt more at home in my own self than ever before. I hope this is not a fleeting moment. How do I hold on to it? I know with some of the local and online friends I’ve made, there are a few I admire what they have gone through to get to this point. They all reached out at one time or another and it saved many from feeling worse. Their collective knowledge went along way to help others. I hope that we can continue to do the same for others. I Love what Suzi had said YOU SHOULD NEVER BE ALONE. Remember to reach out…please. So when you’re feeling down, really think about what the song SO SMALL by Carrie Underwood is saying. Find that love for yourself and be free.

P.S. Oh hey, Those boots. They were GREAT! I felt great in them all evening.

I seem to be at place that is comfortable and its scaring me some. I’m starting to see me delay things and it is getting to a point that I feel I need to be ready for the next step soon. The comfortable place is home with my kids. The scary part is although I have talked to my kids a lot in the last few years about the things I’ve went through, and they have been good so far, they have not seen me in person. I’m terrified of their reaction. One part of me say’s “Come on Michelle, this is when you feel the most comfortable with yourself, you’ll do fine!” and the other say’s “What happens if it don’t, will they still have enough courage and compassion to hang in there with all that could happen?”. I have shown them both pictures of myself and I haven’t had any bad reaction to anything of the things that I’ve talked to them about. Sure, that should give me comfort in knowing that, but something still is burning inside me saying to keep your eyes out, be ready, that it’s going to happen any moment. I’ve come to expect something to go wrong just when I think things are going well.

Job Update: It’s out, someone spilled the beans!

I seem to have my guard up some work now. This year I came out to a few people at work. I was told by someone I can trust that someone has started to talk about it at work and the word has started to get around some. I’m not sure who started it, but I wonder why. Everyone I talked to I felt I could trust. Especially since only two were employees and the others were execs or directors. I guess you never know who you can trust. With everything that is happening at work it makes me wonder how much longer it will take for someone to start their own rumors. Of course I would hope that they wouldn’t do that, but then again I thought they were ones I could trust. I’m sure I have at least 2 allies, so I do at least have two people I know I can trust. I hope to keep their friendship as I move forward.

Family Updates:

I had a nice time shopping with my daughter this weekend. Vicky, Stephanie and I went looking around for some shoes for all of us. I of course needed a size that only a few stores carry on there shelf’s. So after looking around at a few places in our nearest mall, we headed over to payless. I knew that I could get my size there. Vicky had a option on all the shoes. I found two that I did like and decided to get bought of them. Vicky and Stephanie found a pair of sneakers that they liked. After getting the shoes we were looking for, we went to a strip mall that has a few nice places to get summer clothes. So I talked Stephanie into going with me, so we went off shopping. Two top later and a few for my daughter and we were off to finally go home. Of course I tried them on when I got home, they fit nicely, but one turns out to be a little sheerer than I thought, so I have to find something that would to go with it. Another excuse to do a little more shopping

Personal update:

Am I a winner at a losing game? Will any relationship pass the test of time? Will I be able to survive the road ahead? Will any of my loved ones be around to see me complete my goals? I know I have a lot to be thankful for and I do find those things in my life, there is still an undying urge inside me that pulls me to move forward. Will I have the energy to outlast the critics? Can there be a balance between my family and my desires to transition? For these questions I can’t completely answer at this time. Two blessings in my life (my kids) have helped a lot, not with words but with their support and understanding that this is something I feel I have to do to be whole. I have not forgotten Vicky either. She has blessed me with her heart. I know she had a major struggle in the beginning about the TS issues, but seeing her come around and take time to get a better understanding has been a blessing. I’ve also known her for 21 years and grew pretty fond of each other. Her smile can be catchy, and when she is happy most around her start to feel the same. Blessed? She is blessed and has been a blessing to know her all these years. She brought more balance to my life then I had by myself. I hope that they can hold on to their love as we move forward, because without that balance I wonder how I can make it. I don’t want to be alone. So am I a winner at a losing game? I don’t know yet, but I am blessed to have this opportunity to share with my family. Whatever happens in the future I have these memories to hold in my heart.

I hope you all can count your blessings each night and work to make the next day better. Bless you all.

Hugs Michelle

As a child I found that when I was alone long enough, that I found joy and relief in my mother’s closet. I would spend as much time as I could dressing up and playing tea party games by myself in my mother’s walk in closet. It was a great place to hide and be myself for a while. It was a relief in those days but as I got older other feelings and emotions also started to take over, especially in my teen years. In my teens I found myself even more at odds with the way I felt and the body I had. Heck, everything in my heart and soul was telling me that I was not the person that I presented and as the girls in my school began to develop into their own, I found that my body just kept fighting with me. The testosterone became my worst nightmare. When I was younger I wished to be a girl, and now in my teens, those feeling grew even stronger as the “T” took over and began to change my body in ways I feared it would.

The fear and anxiety always kept me from moving forward. I felt like I was stuck in a time warp with no way out. The problem was that my body moved forward but my mind refused to except that this was the right path. I felt so conflicted. I spent my teen years depressed but I was always able to keep that smile on my face and keep that male mask on even though it killed me. As I got older I found the only way to deal with all these feelings was denial. After all, it went against everything I was taught. One of the first things you learn in school is how cruel the kids can be, so to survive I crammed all those feelings in a wad and just tried my best to conceal it from the world. This continued into adulthood where I dated girls and eventually married to a wonderful woman and we had two wonderful kids.

We were married for 10 years before the dysphoria got to a point I felt I could no longer keep it at bay. 10 years ago I came out to my wife and tried my best to tell her what I was feeling, but it didn’t go over well and one of my biggest fears that I harbored all my life was coming to pass. Rejection! Rejection of the person I actually was. I guess I had it coming because I tried for many years to reject it myself. I tried to deny the person I was and in place of the person I was I placed a shell of a person that remained unhappy and depressed. The rejection cut deep at the time when I so desperately needed acceptance and understanding, I was met with misunderstanding and bigotry. At that time I didn’t know how to handle it and I agonized over what to do next. For several months I found the conflict inside myself growing and the depression also growing. I finally made one of the hardest decisions in my life. I left my wife and kids to see if I could find some way to either rid myself of all this pain or a way to deal with it. At first suicide became a major struggle for me to beat as the depression grew. I finally was directed to seek counseling to help with the depression and it was the best thing I did during this time. I began to finally get a better understanding of why I was feeling this way and how to deal better with all that goes with being transsexual.

But still my decision to transition did not come easy. Now I had so many other things to consider, my wife, my kids, my age and how I could handle society in general. After close to 5 to 6 years of self examination and evolution I came to a point of acceptance of who I truly was. About a year ago I came to a point in my life where I felt I had to do something because I began to believe that there was only two chooses I had. To Live or Die. I really didn’t want to die because I loved my family to much and wanted to be around for them. I also found that just dressing was not breaking the anxiety as well as it used to and I found it harder to find ways to ease that anxiety. To live is the hardest of all to do at times, but I decided that the only way I could continue to live a happy life was to transition. I began the process a year ago and have to say at this point I could not be happier that I did. I’m not full time yet, but I’m slowly working toward that end because I’m trying to bring my wife and kids along this journey. I may be going slower than some, but this is a pace that will give me time to work out any kinks with my family and give them time to adjust. So in short, how I made the decision to transition? It came down to live or die. I choose to LIVE. I hope that everyone out there makes the chose to live and try to make their life as valuable as possible.

Hugs Michelle