That’s what keeps cycling through my thoughts as I get deeper into the “trans land of no return”. In the last few weeks there’s been a series of small but significant things that I’ve done for, or with, my transition progress that I can’t “take back”. Things like telling my boss about my GID and that I’m taking certain drugs to deal with it, or showing Amber to my daughter (finally), or this morning, telling my boss that I’m going to have to tell my co-workers about me pretty soon because my changes are starting to get more noticable.

Scandalizing the neighbors with my “dual appearance” out in the yard seems to be a non-issue for me now. The first couple times I went outside as Amber had me thinking I was nuts, but, “I got better”

I had some serious “I must be completely crazy!” thoughts after my last laser treatment, it was really painful!

Sometimes, when I look in the mirror at my changing body and face, I can’t help thinking “what the hell am I doing ?” Last weekend, I was looking at Amber in the mirror and I had that ” Oh my God, I’m actually doing this, I gotta be crazy!” moment.

Last Tuesday, I filed the paperwork at the county court house for my official, legal change of name and all the way through the process I just kept thinking “I must be crazy!”

I really knew that I’m crazy when I went to get fingerprinted at the State Police post for the necessary background check required by the state of Michigan for a legal change of name. The officer was built like a linebacker and had an attitude, especially after looking at the copy of the the paperwork and reading where you have to list your reason for wanting to change your name. He was professional about it though, I’ll give him that much. This guy probably has twice as much mass as I have, and none of it was fat, from what I could see. Can you say “intimidating”? Yes, to put myself through that, I must be nuts!

Fear has a strange effect on the mind, especially fear of the unknown mixed with fear of the bad things that you do know about. It tends to make me think I’m completely crazy for starting, and more importantly, continuing transition. And yet, through all this, I keep going down the path of transition. When I get really freaked out by it, I pull myself back to reality (is this really reality?) by reminding myself that I’ve been wanting this for 30 years! Doing it IS different from wanting to do it, much more intense!

To be honest, up to this point, I really haven’t had many of those bad experiences that other people have with their family, friends, and work. My divorce was tied to this, but she had been cheating on me for 4 years. Yes, I must be crazy for putting up with that for so long. I was dumb, I kept hoping things would change. Anyway, up to this point, that’s the worst thing that’s happened because of my transition. I’m sure there’s more to come, I’m not full time yet, and going full time tends to change things, when it becomes real to everyone around you.
Yes, I’m pretty sure I’m completely crazy!

Oh ya, almost forgot, I just HAD to shave my legs this evening before I could go to the grocery store wearing shorts. How crazy is that?

Earlier this week, I blogged about getting my first intentional ma’am from a sandwich maker at the local Subway.  The interesting thing is that I wasn’t trying to “pass” at the time.  If you’re interested, you could read about it on my 360 blog, including a picture of me wearing what I wore into the Subway, I had Teresa take the picture when I got home.  (We live in the same house.)

Anyway, this isn’t about that, it’s about the after-effects of it.  It was a simple thing and I got a big kick out of it, after all I was just on my way to a service call on what was supposed to be my day off.  (I gotta tell the boss that he’s cutting into my “girl” time.)   After I left the Subway, I kept looking in the mirror trying to figure out what she saw that caused her to call me ma’am.  The incident kinda freaked me out after a while, I was thinking “have I changed that much already?”

That was just one of the things going through my mind, I had an emotional surge when it occoured to me that she was looking right at me when she said it, and that I actually could be gendered as female.   That’s always been one of my fears, not being able to pass.  It held me up for a long time, and here I passed without even trying!  Very strange!

It must have hit me pretty deep, because when I was doing my service call at a multiplex cinema and had to go to the bathroom, it was a tough decision to go into the men’s room.   I actually felt like I didn’t belong there.   Now lately, I’ve been wearing a hat so no one sees the lack of hair on the top of my head, it’s not very female.

It seems like it was a defining moment for me, it’s really hard to go back to “guy” mode after that, I’m still struggling with it.  I know that my fears have kept me sitting on the “gender fence” for a while now, it’s really getting to be time to move!   The biggest problem I have with that is that I’m so unprepared, having taken a different path to get here.  I’ve never been a public “cross-dresser”, I started HRT with no “public exposure” experience.  Maybe it’s time to get out of my comfort zone.

How did your first real ma’am affect you?  Did it make you crazy and frustrated like it did me?

As of July 10, 2008, comments posted under the name ‘Anonymous’ with obviously fake email addresses will no longer be approved on TRANScend GENDER.

There is no reason to comment anonymously. WordPress allows you to enter any name, nickname or “handle” when you comment, and the email address you enter is only visible to the blog administrators, not to the general reader or even contributors. It is far better to create an identity under which to carry on discourse - it makes the dialog far less confusing.

Making such a big deal out of being “anonymous” is trolling. We welcome a wide range of opinions as it does add to the discussion and make us all think a little deeper about these issues. However, we ask that you do so openly. We will never require that you identify yourself in such a way as to reveal your real life identity - I think we’re all too aware of how dangerous that can be to some of us in the “community”. Or even some of us who wish to remain outside such a community.

That said, carry on discussing!

This is a blog from a MySpace friend of mine.  She or rather He is also a real life friend of mine. We see each other once in a while if we hit the same bar. But I can say he is an honest and fun person to be around. Yes the center of attention ALWAYS but a great person none the less.  He is a well known local drag queen and entertainer. And yes he does identify as he and a gay he at that.  But none of that matters. What really matters is what he wrote after a night out. He works many events at several local clubs in San Diego.  It describes the insidious,  disgusting and all too common problem within the GLBT community. That problem is the hate within our own community. This hate is what continues to plague many GLBT communities. This hate had kept this community a broken family.

Thursday, July 03, 2008

BLOG TITLE: “i chose to be a drag queen the same day you chose to be gay” Current mood: sad Category: Life I love my life and the way that i chose to live it. It’s a more colorful, pretty world, filled with sparkles and a whole lot of hair spray. It’s a world that I would never change for anyone else and it’s a world that both my friends and family has embraced and really acutally enjoy… I am what i am… think: the gay community is on a daily basis looked down upon. whether you see it, hear it, smell it, or not… it happens. Its just the world we live in. Everyday we are treated like second class citizens. Eevryday some gay boy goes home into his room and cries his eyes out because he was harassed at school. And everyday, some gay man doesnt get a job or loses a job just because of who he is. so why is it that the gay community chooses to talk down or look down at their fellow people just because of the form of gay that they are. Sometimes people think that theres only a gay man. No honey! Theres the twinks, the bears, the alpha gays, the jocks, the brothas, the papis, the lesbians, the dikes, the lipsticks, the trannies, the cross dressers, the transvestites, the transgendered, etc etc etc… including the drag queens. Everyone just like in everyday life comes in different forms of who they are. Its just on you on how you choose to embrace it. It’s almost depressing how some gay men and women find it okay to hate on the transgender community. HELLO!!!! do you understand that you’re doing to them exactly what is done to all of us on the daily? get it right. call a bitch a mess, a whore, a prostitute, a shemale, a chick with a dick, etc etc etc., its just like that day WE all got called a fag, hershey factory, gay boy, dike, etc. except that you choose to add on to our list. It sucks when it comes from your own community. You’d think that these people would be the first to embrace your individuality but they’re actually the first to turn you away. PLEASE TRY and be HUGGIN and KISSING up to your boyfriends at a straight club or bar… thats the same way i see you guys act towards another form of gayness when it doesnt fit specifically to your preference. I’m sorry im not the military man with the big buff bod and chiseled face. I am me. I chose the world of big hair and crazy make up and duck tape. I was one of those kidds that chose to play with barbies instead of footballs and i am toally cool with that. I am me. “I am what i am I dont want praise i dont want pitty i bang my own drums some think its noise i think its pretty … and so what if i love each sparkle and each spangle why not try to see things from a different angle your life is a sham til you say i am what i am” -shirley bassey. ME: i went through the bitchy queen phase when i was younger but quickly got over it. i chose to start taking everyone for who they are and they’re own individual personalities cuz i got tired of continuously being negative. I found myself to learn more when i would talk to someone rather than immediately judging them and choosing to talk for them. Get over yourselves and get over it. You dont understand how much energy you are using up in a club talking shit about each other. In that time, you couldve totally met that cute gy behind you or taken a “bonding time” shot with your group of friends or danced your ass off and then talked to the cute bartender and work on a free drink. I choose to be me. i am happy, and i’ll smile my ass off. and I will never be short on hugs and kisses. I have my bad days but i keep those times to myself. why go out if im not gonna have fun. waste of money, time, and space. I decided to be nice to everyone and treat everyone with the most respect i could possibly give them. I don’t feel the need to step on anyone or take someone down or make someone feel bad about themselves to get to where i want to go in life. theres not end to the road if you lead it that way. I’m no higher than anyone nor lower than anyone. I am me. “heres where i stand heres who i am help me, to move on but please dont tell me how… heres who i am im what you see… heres where i stand heres who i am”- Tiffany Taylor THE WORLD I CHOOSE TO LIVE IN: is frustrating none the less. you choose to embrace everyone and take them as they come yet you see no respect back. It kinda hurts when all you want to do is have a good time with everyone yet it almost seems like you have to fit a mold in order to do so. LAST NIGHT: i danced an event. woke up with a bloody headache totally not in the mood yet chin up and goes on my way. Ran around with Mark and got all of my costume stuff together. Sewed something together last minute and eventually started getting ready. Brother and his friends all hung out then left for the club they were going to. Then i went on my way as well. got to the club about 930. met up with two of our new dancers. made my gogo boot covers then grabbed a ouple of drinks at the bar, club opens and night begins. other dancers arrive and everntually all the guest get there. club was great, music was pumpin, money was being made. fast forward to the end of the night. pasking stuff up with one of new boys talking to me and another gogo boy hanging around with his guy in the dressing room. for some reason, they felt the need to make a comment about me everytime i walked by. i heard “chick with a dick”, “tranny prostitute”, “tranny”, “tranny”, “tranny”, etc etc etc. in my mind i decided to just keep doing what i need to do to get out of there because i know myself. I’m nice though push me enough, i could get ugly. so i let it go. everyone else was eventually in the dressing room and all of a sudden i heard them talking about the subject more. “if im gonna do it with a tranny, i might as well just do it with a girl”. ‘Its just a man in a wig and too much make up” (BTW: it aint a wig sweetie and the make up, you probably could never afford… jk). and it just kept on going. and thats when i went from where i was changing out of my costume… to them and said that for them to hate on someone for something that just happens to be their lifestyle is a low blow. and alla this other stuff and pretty much put them in their place. but it took everything in me not to cry in front of them. because its not my nature to give someone that satisfaction of being able to shake me. but yes it did hurt. it was actually one of the top most insulting moments in my life. in all my years i’ve heard it all but the fact that it was soooo intentional and soooo bold, it sucked a lot to have to sit their and hear it. it sucks even more that this came from someone who the night before i was nice enough to make sure him and his friends were well taken cared of at the club and the night of i continuously asked him if he needed anything and kept on giving him boosting comments to hopefully make his first night dancing with me something more memorable. I try my best to make sure all my dancers are okay… i always consider myself their momma and always wana make sure theyre taken cared of. but now this same fool who i went all the way to the front for to get his friends (and one of thems the one that was talking shit) so that they dont have to wait in line and bought his 2 friends a shot because they didnt look like they started off the night well… is going to disrespect me in such a low way, i couldnt take it. They were going way out of their way to make me feel like shit about something that is ME. the dancer came up to me and says that he apologizes for his friends behavior swearing as if he wasn’t a part of it… “lets not play dumb honey… i may be blonde but the bleech hasnt fucked up my ability to use my brain. I was so insulted that these people had the audacity to talk about me in such a hateful negative way. Never again will you cross me that way and remember that. next time… make sure you watch it because i dont mind poppin someone upside the damn head every now and then. As mad as i was i was even more disappointed that it almost seemed like some people i knew, who was there was going along with it. thanks. Couldnt help it and yeah it showed weakness… but i did cry my eyes out. i couldnt hodl myself to the thought that someones that hateful and i could only imagine how they could to other people like me. I am me. when im hurt, i cry, but i think i cried more cuz of the thought that i couldnt do more to show them how stupid they are. Yes people talk… yeah its only words… but sometimes, words hurt more than an actual beating. bruises heal. all i can say is at the moment you feel the need to be a hater towards someone else for something that they have no control over, just dont. because you dont know how much damage words are capable of doing. obviously you dont understand why they are the way that they are so how about you just keep your thoughts to yourself. or maybe even say wats up and learn somerthing new. I AM ME. embrace it. “take a little time baby see the butterflies colors listen to the birds that were sent to sing to me and you can you hear me? this is such a wonderful place to be… even if there is pain now everything will be alright for as long as the world still turns there will be night and day… can you feel me? theres a rainbow always after the rain” -SouthBorder END: if this whole blog doesnt make sense to you i apologize. Im drunk and slightly still heated so its kinda hard to keep my train of thought. it makes perfect sense to me though and thankfully enough, it did make me feel better. dont hate, congratulate! xoxoxo always pARIS Antonette Queen REMEMBER THE SAYING: “i chose to be gay the same day you chose to be straight”? well heres my version “I chose to be a drag queen the same day you chose to be gay!” …. think about it!

Is it me or is it just me?
It seems like my dating pool just gets smaller every day.
42 yo …. -35% of population
Lesbian  …. -50% of population
Transsexual  …. - 95% of population
Pre-Op ….. -15% of population
Pagan / Non Christian …. - 60% of population
Loves Heavy Metal …. -12% of population
Highly intelligent …. -8% of population
Tormented Artist type  …. -75% of population
Smart ass … -33% of population
Drinks … 6% of population
Non-Smokers only … -22% of population
6′3″ sans heels … -42% of population
Almost Divorced …. -91% of population
Occasional Allergies … 2% of population
Burps and farts when necessary … -16% of population

I left out a couple on purpose. But would someone REALLY good with math please figure the odds out for me please. My math skill SUCK … -18% of population.

Well, Congress heard from the transgender community directly for the first time ever this week. If you missed it on C-SPAN (I did), Donna Rose has audio of the hearings here. If you’d prefer to read it, NTCE has transcripts here.

It’s all food for thought. Enjoy.

I just recieved a letter from my mommy. It was a little hard and wierd but not unusual for a TS to deal with. I was hoping for some advice before I respond to her. I want to help my family get through this. I know they are hurting and confused, but are fully supportive. I’m just not sure how I can approach this and me most comforting and helpful.

Huggs,
Nichole

The Letter:

Having reviewed “Transvestite Wives” earlier, I felt it was only fair to give a similar treatment to “My Secret Female Body”, another in the ‘Reveals’ series that premiered on BBC America on June 22, 2008.

This documentary focused on a twenty two year old transman, Danny. From the BBC America web site:

Born as Katie, Danny has been living as a man for four years and has had male hormone injections every two weeks for a year. Now, at 22, Danny undergoes a dramatic surgical transformation, which physically changes his body from female to male. This documentary sees Danny embark on the first stage of this irreversible procedure – a double mastectomy, followed by complicated penis surgery.

Like “Transvestite Wives”, Danny has an amazingly supportive girlfriend who loves him in his pre-op body, and is fully behind him in his decision to undergo SRS. We also get to hear from Danny’s mother (”I had a wonderful daughter, and now I have a wonderful and happier son”), sister and best friend who talk frankly about their initial misgivings and current acceptance. There’s very little discussion of social intolerance - just a couple of anecdotes about altercations “down the pub”.

Much of the focus is on the physical transformation. We see Danny’s doctor administering his testosterone shot, and discussing the bodily changes these have already brought about. We’re also there for Danny’s first consultation with the plastic surgeon who will be doing his top surgery. A note to sensitive viewers - although BBC America did blur out some visuals, probably to bring the show into line with American censorship guidelines, there’s still plenty of detail to the scenes in the operating theater and the descriptions used by the doctor made me squirm just a little.

When the surgical results are not as perfect as they could have been, the viewer is spared none of Danny’s anguish and emotional turmoil. At the end of the hour, we are left with the impression that there is no fairytale ending for Danny and his girlfriend - and yet Danny’s life is clearly a happier one even though he faces more procedures in the future. Just from watching his face as he listens to his friend discuss how his new phallus was fashioned from forearm grafts, we can tell what’s on the horizon for Danny…

This documentary is highly recommended for any FtM pre-op transsexual who is considering the next step. It doesn’t sugar-coat anything, but still manages to convery a message of hope.

For those of you with access to BBC America, this will be shown again as follows:

Wednesday, July 2, 2008 at 8:00 PM and 11:00 PM
Thursday, July 3, 2008 at 1:00 AM
Sunday, July 13, 2008 at 5:00 PM

“Transvestite Wives” will also be shown again on Sunday, July 13, 2008 at 6:00 PM, if you missed it the first time around.

Associated Press article, via the Tucson Citizen:

Transgender youth in New York’s juvenile detention centers are now allowed to wear whatever uniform they choose, be called by whatever name they want and ask for special housing under a new anti-discrimination policy drawing praise from advocacy groups.

…

Transgender youth are provided private sleeping quarters and are allowed to shower privately. They are also allowed to shave body parts, use makeup or grow their hair long.

The policy directs staff to learn and use the words gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender in an appropriate context when talking with youth.

While all residents may ask to be called by a preferred first name rather than their legal one, the policy says males who believe they are female must be called “she” and females who believe they are male must be referred to as “he.” Staff must use the preferred name and pronoun in any documents they file.

Read the full article here.

I think that’s pretty amazing. I just hope the implementation of the policy goes smoothly.

Edited to add: The Daily News article found here presents the same story in a much more negative fashion. I guess that’s inevitable, given the state of society today.

Hi all,

Today, I told my boss that I have Gender Identity Disorder.  It was kinda scary, but I needed to do it sooner or later, and the right opportunity came up.  I had a laser treatment on Monday and I think the doctor used a bit too much power.  My face and neck has big blochy spots on it and a couple of places blistered a bit.  Anyway, he asked me what happened to my face and I told him “this is what happens when the doctor uses a bit too much power on the laser”  “Laser?  What’s the laser for?” he asked.  I said “facial hair removal, I’m having all my facial hair removed.”  We went on to discuss the service calls for tomorrow and I was thinking, “you dummy, it’s the perfect time to tell him!”, so I went into his office and sat down and proceded to tell him about my GID.  He asked me a few simple questions and I gave him basic answers, no sense in complicating it at this point.  I told him that I hoped this wouldn’t affect my job because I like the job.   He said that he didn’t have a problem with it, he likes the work I do for him.  So, we’ll see how the summer goes now that he’s aware of this aspect of me.  It’s one thing for him to know what’s going on, it’s another thing to see it developing.  I’m hoping that by taking it slow, they’ll be more accepting of me as things change.

Amber