Earlier this week, I blogged about getting my first intentional ma’am from a sandwich maker at the local Subway. The interesting thing is that I wasn’t trying to “pass” at the time. If you’re interested, you could read about it on my 360 blog, including a picture of me wearing what I wore into the Subway, I had Teresa take the picture when I got home. (We live in the same house.)
Anyway, this isn’t about that, it’s about the after-effects of it. It was a simple thing and I got a big kick out of it, after all I was just on my way to a service call on what was supposed to be my day off. (I gotta tell the boss that he’s cutting into my “girl” time.) After I left the Subway, I kept looking in the mirror trying to figure out what she saw that caused her to call me ma’am. The incident kinda freaked me out after a while, I was thinking “have I changed that much already?”
That was just one of the things going through my mind, I had an emotional surge when it occoured to me that she was looking right at me when she said it, and that I actually could be gendered as female. That’s always been one of my fears, not being able to pass. It held me up for a long time, and here I passed without even trying! Very strange!
It must have hit me pretty deep, because when I was doing my service call at a multiplex cinema and had to go to the bathroom, it was a tough decision to go into the men’s room. I actually felt like I didn’t belong there. Now lately, I’ve been wearing a hat so no one sees the lack of hair on the top of my head, it’s not very female.
It seems like it was a defining moment for me, it’s really hard to go back to “guy” mode after that, I’m still struggling with it. I know that my fears have kept me sitting on the “gender fence” for a while now, it’s really getting to be time to move! The biggest problem I have with that is that I’m so unprepared, having taken a different path to get here. I’ve never been a public “cross-dresser”, I started HRT with no “public exposure” experience. Maybe it’s time to get out of my comfort zone.
How did your first real ma’am affect you? Did it make you crazy and frustrated like it did me?
Filed under: Blogging, Life Experiences, Transgender | Tagged: 360, blog, coming out, guy mode, hrt, life, mtf, passability, passing, restroom, restrooms, self-reflection, subway, Transgender, transgendered, transitioning, yahoo 360 | 5 Comments »