I wanted to revisit the subject of Autogynophelia, because it seems to me that, the way it’s described, it seems to fit me as well as anything else that I’ve read. I actually went to the link provided in an earlier post and read the information given there, and as I read the article, I started to see a lot of myself in the description. It was actually quite depressing to realize that I fit the profile pretty well. It took me several days to come to terms with that realization, but having previously come to terms with the fact that I wanted to be a girl and that it’s not some horrible disease, but rather, a condition shared by a lot of people, made it easier to come to terms with this description. I must add that I don’t think that it applies to all of us, but I think it applies to some of us.
I don’t think AutoG has anything to do with early onset gender confusion, I think that would be more properly termed ” a prenatal intersex developmental abnormality”. AutoG just doesn’t fit the conditions, in my opinion. Neither does “homosexual transsexual”, because many early onset gender variant people are attracted to people of the opposite physical sex.
I’m still trying to figure this thing out myself, but some things I know about myself are: I don’t remember any gender confusion as a young child, I was a sensitive little boy, but I don’t remember any confusion about my gender before the onset of puberty. If my memory is somewhere near correct, my gender confusion started with puberty, but it took me a while to even realize what was going on in my head, probably several years. By the time I was 15 or 16, I knew what it was, I just didn’t know what to do about it.
There’s always been a sexual connection to my cross-dressing, it did seem to get less over the years, but that may have been because I was trying to supress that part of it, I really didn’t want it to be about sex. I have always felt more comfortable in “girl” mode, I still would rather be a girl than a boy, it makes me happy.
However, what got me to thinking about this whole AutoG thing is that I still get an “arousal charge” when I first change from the “old me” to the “new me”, especially if I’m excited about how I’m going to look when I’m done transforming into Amber. It’s interesting that I made 2 discoveries at about the same time. My body is no longer devoid of basic sex drive due to HRT, it seems to have adjusted somewhat to the current balance of hormones and and I now have a slight bit of sex drive. That “thing” between my legs is still mostly dead, but not entirely now. Of course, that’s what led to the discovery that I’m still capable of being turned on by getting dressed. It doesn’t react very much, it’s just the nerve twinge, but that’s enough to know what’s going on. I’d like to think that it’s just a residual artifact, but, at this point in my life, I need to be honest with myself.
So, I come to the 20 dollar question, does this mean that I shouldn’t transition? I’m not really sure about that one yet. I’m continuing to stay on course while I think about all this heavy stuff, in fact, I was just prescribed Provera by my Endocronologist yesterday, which made me a happy camper all day. It’s interesting that this point, I haven’t found any reason to stop transition other then this latest injection of illogical doubt. I realize, logically, that this latest “label” doesn’t really mean much, I still want to be a woman, I still feel like I should be a woman, and I suspect that I already think like a woman. I’m not a mind reader so I’ll never know for sure, however, I relate more easily to women then men.
I’d be happy to read any thoughts or comments that the rest of you might have on this, some input on this might be helpful to me.
Filed under: Blogging, Life Experiences, Transgender | Tagged: autogynephilia, awareness, blanchard, confessions, Confusion, DSM, dsm V, gender identity, GID, psychology, self-reflection, Transgender, transition, transitioning, zucker | 12 Comments »