Equality and Freedom but not for You or You…

HRC Logo.jpgThe fight for equality is an endless battle that has been fought for centuries. The tactics and faces have changed, but the outcome is far more important than any of that. I have always believed everyone deserves to be treated equally and with respect. I know this does not happen. I have been victim of this myself although not at the levels some people have experienced or been subjected too. I am sure most people have experienced some form of incursion into their seance of equality and freedom. As children we know about this all too well. Until we are of a certain age we really do not have certain inalienable rights.

Continue reading “I am betting you are wondering where I am going with this.”

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Are Partners of Trans Necessarily LGBT(Q)?

Over at Helen Boyd’s blog, the question comes up of whether partners of transpeople identify as being under the LGBT umbrella – Helen herself says “I’m the Q that gets left off a lot,” which makes sense to me. I wanted to leave a comment but I’ve never been able to successfully register on Helen’s site to do so, so I decided to make a post of my own to discuss the topic.

In order to be attracted to, and have a successful relationship with someone who is considering, or has crossed over the gender barrier, does a person need to have a little Q in them? I suspect the answer is yes but I’m well aware that this is a very sensitive subject touching on not only how the cisgender* partner self-identifies, but also how their transgender partner might feel about the way s/he is seen in relationship to her/his cis partner once s/he has fully transitioned. If a wife considers herself straight while married to a man, and continues to consider herself straight after her spouse has transitioned to become a woman, wouldn’t that mean that either she still sees her spouse as male, or that she no longer feels that erotic energy towards her mate? Neither of which would seem, to me, to be a good thing for either spouse. Or is there a way to really and truly feel that you are only attracted to one gender, except for the unique and singular case of the person you have already spent much of your life with? I’d still argue that in this case, there’s a little queerness creeping in!

There’s also the question of the difference between a relationship that started before transition was even contemplated, and a relationship that didn’t begin until after transition was complete. In the latter case, I would assume that someone who was prepared to make a lifetime commitment to a post-transition partner with all that that entails would already have identified themselves as a little off the straight track, although I can see that for the trans partner, having someone willing to make that commitment while remaining firm in his/her straight identity would be very affirming. (I’m not talking about post-transition relationships where there has been no disclosure, as that’s a topic in and of itself.)

I’m not a big believer in labels myself, but in the case that triggered the original post (the application of LGBT scholarships), I suppose it is important to “find what fits”. Those of you out there reading who are in relationships right now, how do you (or your partner) view this? Does it apply? What possibilities have escaped my notice?

* Editor’s Note:  “Cisgender” refers to a person whose gender identity and biological sex, as assigned at birth, match.  Contrast that to a transgender person in whom those factors diverge.

Who I Am and Why I Do What I Do

I have participated in the Arizona Transgender Alliance (AZTA) since its inception. Like any organization, it has struggled to define itself and its purposes in a way that unites, rather than divides, us. Nonetheless, it continues because people see a need to join together. One of AZTA’s current projects is to produce a calendar with photos and biographies of trans women and men to help educate the public about who we are. I volunteered to participate and wanted to share here the biography I submitted because I think it expresses some of the most important aspects of my transition and who I am today. This is what I said: Continue reading

Standing on the outside looking in ~ a TDoR post

It’s been suggested to me that this would be an appropriate post to cross-post from my blog. For those unfamiliar with great Australian rock bands, the title is a Cold Chisel lyric.

Somehow I let this slip by (TD0R is Nov 20) despite the fact that I read some related posts from other bloggers. Given how much I’ve been thinking about this phenomenon (transgender or GID) this year, I wanted to acknowledge the day. This year I think that some people who are transgender have taught me one of the most important lessons I’ve ever learned. And it’s going to sound ridiculously simple in my head as I type it, but here goes: We don’t need to understand something to accept it. Continue reading

Introduction

Hi. Recently I was invited to post on TRANScend GENDER and I thought it made sense to introduce myself first. Firstly I’m a cisgender female, so my perspective is not that of a person experiencing GID or transition. This makes me a little nervous, but I hope I can still make some contribution.

There are two things I’m likely to post about. The first is gender in general: gender roles, stereotypes, fluidity of gender, etc. The second, which is perhaps the reason for my invitation in the first place, is my developing understanding of transgender issues and how this process has impacted on my life. This has been a year of transition for me…just not the kind of transition that is usually discussed here. 🙂 I have, for most of my life, been a member of the Mormon church – a church that has pretty conservative doctrines and policies when it comes to gender, gender roles, and related issues such as gender reassignment and sexual orientation. Over the last year or so, I’ve rejected many of the beliefs I once held, and I plan to resign membership in that church by the end of the year.

Several months ago I came across riftgirl’s blog and through that I have also found several other blogs written by people who are transgender. This exposure to transgender people and issues has been very helpful to me. I feel awkward and lacking in life experience because there are so many things I don’t know or have no experience with and losing my faith, which right or wrong has been a big part of my life and identity, has been easier to process in the face of so much evidence that the teachings of the Church are inadequate in dealing with real people in real situations that do not fit neatly into pre-defined boxes.

I make no claim to understand what it feels like to be transgender, but I don’t think I need to understand that completely in order to accept that GID is real, to consider the issues it creates, or to be supportive of transgender people.

Fluid Gender

I recently read a blog posted by an online friend which included another post-op trans woman’s regrets of transitioning and having GRS.  She had described how her feelings to transition and being a woman were more sexually motivated, and that after surgery she could not have that satisfaction.  She mentioned that she misunderstood the drop-off of sexual desire due to hormones as a sign that she was doing the right thing.

My first reaction and thought was how it was a good example of why the real life test or real life experience is important.  I assume the person lived as the gender she wanted to be before having the surgery, based on the comment of her “following the rules”.  If she had, then I wondered if she truly did the necessary soul searching — the second-guessing and what-ifs playing in her mind over and over.  When it comes down to it, the physical aspects of transition are not as important as the emotional aspects.  Being emotionally ready for the changes is very critical to anyone’s successful transition.

I started my transition almost two years ago, and if I had had the money, was single, and could have had the operation sooner, I probably would have jumped in head first and had GRS.  But with my therapist’s guidance, I slowed down, following her suggestions to explore my femininity and get out in society presenting as a female.  I also wanted to do the changes in steps, where I could evaluate each step to see if it was enough for me.  First, I had facial and body hair removal, as it was one thing that always seemed to bother me (and guys have it done, so no harm there).  Then I attended several transgender conferences to “live” as a woman 24×7 for one full week.  I went out to public places in the daylight, such as a shopping mall and busy restaurants.  I wanted to get a feel for how I would be treated and how any negative reactions would make me feel.  Would I feel more like a “man in a dress”, or would I feel like a woman, regardless of how people treated me?  These exercises are very important, as they can let us know that if we are uncomfortable as a part-time woman, then we’re not ready to be full-time.

My soul searching has been going on now for quite awhile.  There are days when I think I just need to stop stalling and move forward with it all.  But I am very cautious, as there is much at risk.  I question myself over and over about what is right.  Am I that uncomfortable living as a man?  Can I just keep hiding this for the rest of my life?  Would cross-dressing periodically be enough, especially since my wife would be accepting of it (as long as I do it discretely)?  Would being on hormones but continuing to live as a man with no surgery be good enough?  Twenty years from now, would I be happier living as an older man or as an older woman?  These are just some of the questions I have asked myself over and over.  For me, I need to be as sure as I can that the distress and discomfort I experience is impacting my life enough to move forward with transition to full-time and eventual surgeries.

In my honest opinion, I think that gender is fluid and NOT binary.  I think there are many who are on one end of the spectrum, where the difference between body sex and gender identity are so polar that they absolutely know that they are “in the wrong body”.  Then there are others who are somewhere close to the middle, with just enough feminine-mindedness that they experience some discomfort and have a notion that something is out of whack, but can otherwise function in society as a man.  There are days when I think I fall into that category.  I had an acquaintance recently tell me that you should know you are a woman inside if you are truly transsexual.  I have to disagree with that, as that may be true with some but not all.  I think we all have within us, both natal male and female, a degree of masculine and feminine nature (and when I say nature, I mean born with it and not learned).  Those balances are different in each of us, and could even change based on how much we suppress or allow those natural tendencies.  It comes down to really understanding ourselves, to find the “true self”.  Once that is done, then the surgeries and other aspects become window dressing.

I hope we all take the time to fully understand ourselves, as that is the true journey.

Tiana 🙂

To My Family and friends

Dear Family,

I wanted to take a few minutes and fill you in on some important information about some changes that will be made in the near future. I will change in some ways, but I will always be the same person. These steps I’m taking are very important for me. I do wish there was an easier way to move forward, but I have not found a better way. I have come to terms with this after careful research, analysis and professional guidance. I don’t take this lightly, I’m more informed then I ever was, and feel stronger than ever that I’m going in the right direction.

If you’re wondering what this is all about. I have Gender Dysphoria (DSM IV code is 302.85 or GID) I am a transsexual. In short. Since I was 5 years old, I have known that I was special and that there was something different about me. I always felt I was a girl, but my body did not match what I felt.

Because of the sex marker on my birth certificate I had to behave a certain way, feel a certain way, be a certain way. Since I was little I always was mindful of the mundane thing we all take for granted. How I stood. How I sat. What I wear. I’ve always been mindful of my interactions with others, and that I was not to femm. I just wanted to blend in to society. Which I did! GID has been crippling at times and I needed to stop fighting this and take action.

What does all this mean?

Well first off it will mean a lot of changes down the road for me and some adjustments at home. I’m working with therapist on the GID issues and have been in a semi-active transition the last 10 years. My first major goal is to live fulltime as a women. I have been making some advancement in that area and expect to start living fulltime within the next 2 years. I have been on hormones for over a year now and have had changes that are becoming noticeable (In the website links, I list a few sites that cover many of the changes you can expect). Some of the changes I make in the future may seen drastic, but I’m taking all this very serious and am under professional supervision. Eventually I will also change my name to Michelle. This will involve a lot of legal paperwork to change the drivers license, birth certificate, exc.. But it will be a necessary thing for me to do to live fulltime.

You may ask why I am doing this now. Well I guess I didn’t have the courage and understanding I have now to face this head on. As a child I never knew that there was anything that would ever help. I thought maybe there was something wrong with me, but I lived with it. I dealt with it daily. Until I was about 30 I thought there was not much I could do about all this. I always thought that all this would go away. But what I found as I got older it became more of a burden in my life. 10 years ago I started to learn about the research studies and finding many transgender friends I began to see a rainbow lighting the sky for my future. But still, I didn’t have the courage then to go fulltime. I do now! I know that this will never go away and I know what I need to do to be the best person I can be to my family and I. Transition!

I know that to some of you, this may have be a shock. But rest assured, I given this VERY careful thought. I have also talked with Vicky and the kids a lot the last few years about it and I currently have their support. I’m sure that you may questions for me. I will answer any question that you may have, so feel free to ask.

In closing, I’d just like to I’d like to quote a good friend of mine: Abigail Jensen

“In my experience, sacrifice of my own truth only leads to pain for everyone … not just me, but everyone. There is unquestionably much pain that comes with transitioning, but it is the pain of stripping away the illusion of who we are not, to find the truth of who we are. Painful as that might be, finding and living our truth (whether that includes transitioning only you can decide) offers the only chance that we and those we love can grow to know the truth about ourselves. And only by knowing ourselves can we, and they, find the peace, love and joy we all deserve and desire.

Websites

Here are a few sites that will provide plenty of information.
Dr. Anne Lawrence’s resource website
Understanding gender Dysphoria
International Foundation for Gender Education
Gender Identity Research and Education Society
Crissy Wild’s Medical Links