TRANScend GENDER

My story isn’t much different than what you may find anywhere else, really. The early years of life was spent playing in grandmas basement after school, running around the neighborhood with my gang of friends, playing ball, jumping in the creek, roller skating (it was cool, back then), just typical kids stuff. Through grade school I was semi-popular, awkward in my tall thin body, kinda athletic, funny, and liked by teachers because I was polite and never a problem. But, oh, mother, did I have a secret.

As I began to come out of the fog and haze that was the years of Junior high school it was dawning on me how painful life was about to get as puberty was ravaging my neutral body into a fragile shell of a man. From the first day of high school I could tell that all the guys were maturing into men, and the women who had begun blossoming a year or so before were that much more beautiful, and then there was me. Needless to say gym class was weird. The locker room banter and disrobing made me feel on display for all to see my freakish self in my underwear. Hence why I didn’t always dress for gym. The anxiety trip that high school ended up being allowed for me to become quite the recreational drug user. I would go to parties with friends, blend in to the crowd, find a quiet corner, or, try and lerch onto someone so it doesn’t look like I am alone on an island. Typical parties, really, with weed, cocaine, acid, and alcohol being staples. Yeah, I was a real loser, allright. Whatever made me not want to think about who I was, and how I was just wasting away, well, I would try it- within reason. No needles (even a loser like me has principles). Continue reading →

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I got a message today asking that very question of me. In many ways it was a hard question to answer but it also was an easy one to finally make, although it took my whole life to make the final decision. Let me give you brief history to put the answer into prospective. I always knew that I had these feeling deep down inside ( that I should have been a girl), but was way too afraid to ever let anyone ever know of these feelings. You see when I was young I got so many queues that I was a boy, at least that’s what my body told me, and my parents just reinforced that idea with the way they dressed me and the things that they would say. So even as a young child I spent all my effort to not let my parents down and did everything I could to make sure that no one would ever tell that I harbored these feelings. I locked it up behind bars and found myself in a self made prison. As a child I never expected it to affect me as it has as an adult so I went on with my life keeping the secret and finding little ways to break the anxiety.

As a child I found that when I was alone long enough, that I found joy and relief in my mother’s closet. I would spend as much time as I could dressing up and playing tea party games by myself in my mother’s walk in closet. It was a great place to hide and be myself for a while. It was a relief in those days but as I got older other feelings and emotions also started to take over, especially in my teen years. In my teens I found myself even more at odds with the way I felt and the body I had. Heck, everything in my heart and soul was telling me that I was not the person that I presented and as the girls in my school began to develop into their own, I found that my body just kept fighting with me. The testosterone became my worst nightmare. When I was younger I wished to be a girl, and now in my teens, those feeling grew even stronger as the “T” took over and began to change my body in ways I feared it would.

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