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“Ma’am” fallout

Earlier this week, I blogged about getting my first intentional ma’am from a sandwich maker at the local Subway.  The interesting thing is that I wasn’t trying to “pass” at the time.  If you’re interested, you could read about it on my 360 blog, including a picture of me wearing what I wore into the Subway, I had Teresa take the picture when I got home.  (We live in the same house.)

Anyway, this isn’t about that, it’s about the after-effects of it.  It was a simple thing and I got a big kick out of it, after all I was just on my way to a service call on what was supposed to be my day off.  (I gotta tell the boss that he’s cutting into my “girl” time.)   After I left the Subway, I kept looking in the mirror trying to figure out what she saw that caused her to call me ma’am.  The incident kinda freaked me out after a while, I was thinking “have I changed that much already?”

That was just one of the things going through my mind, I had an emotional surge when it occoured to me that she was looking right at me when she said it, and that I actually could be gendered as female.   That’s always been one of my fears, not being able to pass.  It held me up for a long time, and here I passed without even trying!  Very strange!

It must have hit me pretty deep, because when I was doing my service call at a multiplex cinema and had to go to the bathroom, it was a tough decision to go into the men’s room.   I actually felt like I didn’t belong there.   Now lately, I’ve been wearing a hat so no one sees the lack of hair on the top of my head, it’s not very female.

It seems like it was a defining moment for me, it’s really hard to go back to “guy” mode after that, I’m still struggling with it.  I know that my fears have kept me sitting on the “gender fence” for a while now, it’s really getting to be time to move!   The biggest problem I have with that is that I’m so unprepared, having taken a different path to get here.  I’ve never been a public “cross-dresser”, I started HRT with no “public exposure” experience.  Maybe it’s time to get out of my comfort zone.

How did your first real ma’am affect you?  Did it make you crazy and frustrated like it did me?

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Glad to be here!

Hey everyone! I just wanted to take a moment to introduce myself here on TRANScendGENDER. My Name is Kathryn, and I began taking my first concrete steps towards transition a few months ago. Since then I have jumped in feet first. I guess after 30 plus years of hiding my true self, I can’t wait to let her out and set her loose on this world of ours! Since that time, I met some great people through a local TG group, one of those people being Tiana. Tiana got me into Yahoo 360°, where I really began to meet other girls from the larger Trans community. While not perfect, 360° did get me in touch with a lot more girls, and enabled me to feel like I was really a part of a larger community. For those of you I have already met, thank you for making me feel welcome, both on 360 and here, and for those of you I have not yet met, I look forward to getting to know you and sharing our stories and experiences. I am convinced that as long as we have each other, there is nothing that we cannot overcome in this wild and crazy world of ours. We just have to be proud and be strong!

 

Kathryn