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At a Crossroad

I’m beginning to think that I reached another crossroad in my path that I seem to be delayed at. With just moving back with Vicky and the kids, I’ve slowed down to make the transition easier on them and for the kids to get used to my new look. This delay seems to have me feeling more anxiety as of late. I’m finally starting to use a touch of makeup at home know. I have been wearing some tops around the house that I recently got and it’s been nice to be able to relax and be myself around my kids for once. I’m going to start the research of the local places to take care of my facial hair this week. This is an item that I needed nearly complete before I wanted to go fulltime, so I’ve been thinking of using this slow time to start laser hair removal, or electrolysis. This is a must for this summer. As for what else is on my list, I have not set any dates for anything else because I’m taking this one day at a time. This is the only way I know to handle everything right now. With everything that can happen being trans and the stress of coming out to others. I’m trying to just handle what I can today and move on. I don’t want to say that its going great, but I must say that it has been one of the most calm periods I’ve had in a long time. Without many of the stresses I once had I’ve been able to relax a little at home. I’m finally sleeping better and have had more mornings now that have been easier to get through. But I know this pinned up anxiety will need to be taken care of soon.

I seem to be at place that is comfortable and its scaring me some. I’m starting to see me delay things and it is getting to a point that I feel I need to be ready for the next step soon. The comfortable place is home with my kids. The scary part is although I have talked to my kids a lot in the last few years about the things I’ve went through, and they have been good so far, they have not seen me in person. I’m terrified of their reaction. One part of me say’s “Come on Michelle, this is when you feel the most comfortable with yourself, you’ll do fine!” and the other say’s “What happens if it don’t, will they still have enough courage and compassion to hang in there with all that could happen?”. I have shown them both pictures of myself and I haven’t had any bad reaction to anything of the things that I’ve talked to them about. Sure, that should give me comfort in knowing that, but something still is burning inside me saying to keep your eyes out, be ready, that it’s going to happen any moment. I’ve come to expect something to go wrong just when I think things are going well.

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