At a Crossroad

I’m beginning to think that I reached another crossroad in my path that I seem to be delayed at. With just moving back with Vicky and the kids, I’ve slowed down to make the transition easier on them and for the kids to get used to my new look. This delay seems to have me feeling more anxiety as of late. I’m finally starting to use a touch of makeup at home know. I have been wearing some tops around the house that I recently got and it’s been nice to be able to relax and be myself around my kids for once. I’m going to start the research of the local places to take care of my facial hair this week. This is an item that I needed nearly complete before I wanted to go fulltime, so I’ve been thinking of using this slow time to start laser hair removal, or electrolysis. This is a must for this summer. As for what else is on my list, I have not set any dates for anything else because I’m taking this one day at a time. This is the only way I know to handle everything right now. With everything that can happen being trans and the stress of coming out to others. I’m trying to just handle what I can today and move on. I don’t want to say that its going great, but I must say that it has been one of the most calm periods I’ve had in a long time. Without many of the stresses I once had I’ve been able to relax a little at home. I’m finally sleeping better and have had more mornings now that have been easier to get through. But I know this pinned up anxiety will need to be taken care of soon.

I seem to be at place that is comfortable and its scaring me some. I’m starting to see me delay things and it is getting to a point that I feel I need to be ready for the next step soon. The comfortable place is home with my kids. The scary part is although I have talked to my kids a lot in the last few years about the things I’ve went through, and they have been good so far, they have not seen me in person. I’m terrified of their reaction. One part of me say’s “Come on Michelle, this is when you feel the most comfortable with yourself, you’ll do fine!” and the other say’s “What happens if it don’t, will they still have enough courage and compassion to hang in there with all that could happen?”. I have shown them both pictures of myself and I haven’t had any bad reaction to anything of the things that I’ve talked to them about. Sure, that should give me comfort in knowing that, but something still is burning inside me saying to keep your eyes out, be ready, that it’s going to happen any moment. I’ve come to expect something to go wrong just when I think things are going well.

Job Update: It’s out, someone spilled the beans!

I seem to have my guard up some work now. This year I came out to a few people at work. I was told by someone I can trust that someone has started to talk about it at work and the word has started to get around some. I’m not sure who started it, but I wonder why. Everyone I talked to I felt I could trust. Especially since only two were employees and the others were execs or directors. I guess you never know who you can trust. With everything that is happening at work it makes me wonder how much longer it will take for someone to start their own rumors. Of course I would hope that they wouldn’t do that, but then again I thought they were ones I could trust. I’m sure I have at least 2 allies, so I do at least have two people I know I can trust. I hope to keep their friendship as I move forward.

Family Updates:

I had a nice time shopping with my daughter this weekend. Vicky, Stephanie and I went looking around for some shoes for all of us. I of course needed a size that only a few stores carry on there shelf’s. So after looking around at a few places in our nearest mall, we headed over to payless. I knew that I could get my size there. Vicky had a option on all the shoes. I found two that I did like and decided to get bought of them. Vicky and Stephanie found a pair of sneakers that they liked. After getting the shoes we were looking for, we went to a strip mall that has a few nice places to get summer clothes. So I talked Stephanie into going with me, so we went off shopping. Two top later and a few for my daughter and we were off to finally go home. Of course I tried them on when I got home, they fit nicely, but one turns out to be a little sheerer than I thought, so I have to find something that would to go with it. Another excuse to do a little more shopping 😉

Personal update:

Am I a winner at a losing game? Will any relationship pass the test of time? Will I be able to survive the road ahead? Will any of my loved ones be around to see me complete my goals? I know I have a lot to be thankful for and I do find those things in my life, there is still an undying urge inside me that pulls me to move forward. Will I have the energy to outlast the critics? Can there be a balance between my family and my desires to transition? For these questions I can’t completely answer at this time. Two blessings in my life (my kids) have helped a lot, not with words but with their support and understanding that this is something I feel I have to do to be whole. I have not forgotten Vicky either. She has blessed me with her heart. I know she had a major struggle in the beginning about the TS issues, but seeing her come around and take time to get a better understanding has been a blessing. I’ve also known her for 21 years and grew pretty fond of each other. Her smile can be catchy, and when she is happy most around her start to feel the same. Blessed? She is blessed and has been a blessing to know her all these years. She brought more balance to my life then I had by myself. I hope that they can hold on to their love as we move forward, because without that balance I wonder how I can make it. I don’t want to be alone. So am I a winner at a losing game? I don’t know yet, but I am blessed to have this opportunity to share with my family. Whatever happens in the future I have these memories to hold in my heart.

I hope you all can count your blessings each night and work to make the next day better. Bless you all.

Hugs Michelle

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4 Responses

  1. Michelle,

    You say you’re at a crossroads, but the more I thought about your post, the more I wonder if you’ve already started down one path over the other.

    First of all, almost everyone at home and in the family knows, and they are supportive for the most part. Heck, they’re even living WITH you now! For them to know this before you even moved back bears a lot of significance.

    But the kicker here I think is that you’ve told a few people at work, and now EVERYONE knows. At this point, I think it’s prudent that you begin to plan or have some sort of plan about how you may be forced to discuss this issue with HR and management. Sooner or later they’re going to want to know what your plans are with transitioning on the job, and they may or may not want to come up with a policy if one’s not already established.

    Hope it all works out for you girl.
    Lori

  2. Hi Lori,
    Thanks so much for your comments. I do know that I’m blessed right now with my family support and it does seems as they are behind me so far. But I still feel like I’m at the crossroad waiting to cross the street to the next block. I guess I’m feeling this way because I’ve slowed things down so much to allow my family to catch up. I’m waiting to cross the road. Which path to take from here is up in the air, but I know that there is no going back. Not to the way things were before, because I don’t think I would survive. Sure I know what my final path/destination is, but there seems to be alot of paths to take to get to that end. Right now I’m taking my time to figure out what would be the best route to take.
    I think you right about my job. I’m lucky in that a few execs in the company know and are behind me. They also tell me not to worry about my job because they have been happy with my performance so far. Another thing that has made it easier for me was the fact they recently hired a trans girl and she has been doing a good job so far. I was also told by my exec contact that I’m covered under thier policy, thank god. Now are far as what to do from here. I’m not sure, I’m going to prepare myself in case things do get a little dicey (I hope it don’t). I haven’t felt a need (as of yet) to go to HR and talk them yet. I have talked of my plans with the execs and they have been great so far. They have not had anyone transition on the job, so I don’t know if they need a special policy for this, but I’m told that the current policy does protect my job (along with NYC law).
    I’m going to go slow and see if anything gets out of hand with the gossip and if it does I’ll deal with that then. I know that there will be detractors but I also know that I do have some support around here so hopefully that will help as I move forward. Maybe I should stop by HR in case things do get out of hand, at least they will know whats going on on my side and maybe be able to prepare for anything that comes down the road. I’ll reconsider that:)
    Thanks again Lori for getting me thinking. Talk to ya soon.
    Hugs Michelle

  3. Hi Michelle,
    I had a very bad experience at work, One day after work, I was walking to the bus stop and 3 guys from work started following me and making comments. Next think I know they started grabbing my ass. I told them to stop but they stated grabbing my breast and smaking me. Lucky for me I had some martial arts training and I did a round house kick on one of the guys and he fell down and was out cold. The rest of the guys scattered and I ran for the bus. When I got home 2 police officers were at my house and questioned me about what happened and I told them I was just defending myself. They also were giving me those anti tranny looks and i felt very uncomfortable. I don’t think I can go through with this!!! Everyone at work is making fun at me and my bosses are looking for ways to get rid of me. I feel like a freak of nature!! What have I done!

  4. Hi Penny,
    I’m glad you got out of that situation. I hope that you can search deep within to make sure that you are sure what you want out of your life. Once you are clear then you have to move forward, weather that is to continue with your transition or not. I’ve heard rumors about myself also, but at this point I could care less what they say. This is my life and if they can’t deal with it then that’s their problem. I suppose there will always be people that do not understand or just can’t put their head around the fact that I was born with this condition. If they can’t get past that, then that is there loss. I know that I’m a good person and I plan on living my life the best I can. I hope you can remain strong and be true to yourself. If you can be true to yourself then you can make it. Good luck.
    Michelle

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