Loss of Signal

Have you ever cast a bottle with a note into the sea; a note to a helium balloon and let it go or driven down the high way with your headlights turned off at night?

What makes us do these things? Testing of faith? I have done these and many other things before… and I have always come back to this reason – that it was a way for me to detach myself, even if for a moment from who and what and where I was… to escape or send off my thoughts into another place, because there was simply no more room for them to remain in my brain alone.

LOS or Loss of Signal is a very common occurrence in the space program. It occurs when the capsule (shuttle) cannot receive radio communication from ground control. In a sense, there is a black out period from communications.

I believe that my journey is at the equinox of this moment of Loss of Signal… a point where all the preparation and training and planning MUST now serve me well, for where I go from here forth, I must do so with out a safety net of ground control.

I have never traveled very far other than to Toronto – just a tip toe outside the States, AND that was when one did not need a birth certificate or passport. There are so many variables to consider here and for things to go right, or for that matter, wrong.

I think about the astronauts how they must have felt the first time they entered LOS going around the moon and then again upon reentry. As I understand it, as a spacecraft re enters the atmosphere, it heats up, and ionizes the air around it. This ionization sets up a temporary “Faraday Cage”. (Same effect that stops radio signals in a metal building and protects you from lightning in your car) AOS (Acquisition of Signal) returns after this phase passes.

With each day that draws nearer to SRS, I feel the eclipse of LOS setting in on me… and it’s scary, yet exciting at the same time. When you fight and struggle for so long to get where you want to go… when you look over your shoulder for the first time and see just HOW FAR into space you have gone, you realize that the earth now is just a faint star – you are alone.

I look forward to when I can re-read these thoughts some day and be amused at how terrified I was over something that is now, really, on auto pilot and I don’t need to worry, except to keep an eye on the blinking lights.

But for now, I am protecting myself – shielding off anything that may cause me problem or stress; shedding thoughts that remain toxic or worrisome – like a note in a bottle – that is what this Blog is for me. My pastor tells me to confess all that troubles me… he says “Chloe, give it to God… and don’t take it back… let him bear your burdens, and take relief in his blessings”. Well, That is what I am doing – I am going to “Give it to the Blog”… and leave it.

Not only this Blog, but I am settling as much karma as I can; confessing my truest of feelings and stripping myself open to all that I once walled off. However walls have 2 sides to them, and so, there are things that will be set free at the same time.

This is my re-birth… it is frightening to actually have my eyes open for it this time.. No wonder babies come out screaming!

These and many other feelings I had NEVER expected, are setting in on me… where are they coming from? I have never read about them nor desired them, yet there they are and I am changing and maturing before my own eyes…

-Chloe

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