How I made the decision to transition?: April 16, 2008

I got a message today asking that very question of me. In many ways it was a hard question to answer but it also was an easy one to finally make, although it took my whole life to make the final decision. Let me give you brief history to put the answer into prospective. I always knew that I had these feeling deep down inside ( that I should have been a girl), but was way too afraid to ever let anyone ever know of these feelings. You see when I was young I got so many queues that I was a boy, at least that’s what my body told me, and my parents just reinforced that idea with the way they dressed me and the things that they would say. So even as a young child I spent all my effort to not let my parents down and did everything I could to make sure that no one would ever tell that I harbored these feelings. I locked it up behind bars and found myself in a self made prison. As a child I never expected it to affect me as it has as an adult so I went on with my life keeping the secret and finding little ways to break the anxiety.

As a child I found that when I was alone long enough, that I found joy and relief in my mother’s closet. I would spend as much time as I could dressing up and playing tea party games by myself in my mother’s walk in closet. It was a great place to hide and be myself for a while. It was a relief in those days but as I got older other feelings and emotions also started to take over, especially in my teen years. In my teens I found myself even more at odds with the way I felt and the body I had. Heck, everything in my heart and soul was telling me that I was not the person that I presented and as the girls in my school began to develop into their own, I found that my body just kept fighting with me. The testosterone became my worst nightmare. When I was younger I wished to be a girl, and now in my teens, those feeling grew even stronger as the “T” took over and began to change my body in ways I feared it would.

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