TRANScend GENDER

I wrote this about 18 months ago, I must update it soon:

On the 3^rd of May 2005 I went out dressed as Becky for the first time, for those of you who have never done this I hope that reading this ramble may assist you in taking that step forward. Please excuse my style of writing, I have written it in a mixture of first and third person, often talking about Becky in the third person. I also want to take this opportunity to thank all those amazing girls out there, I could not have done it without you, When I first went on line I was staggered as to how many TS/TV girls out there, so many girls so many great people, so many great conversations, so much good advice. But there are 4 special people I must thank Nina, and Lani for spending hours talking, offering advice and opinions and to Dee and Cyanne for taking Becky out for the first time and helping make it such a special night. And to Cyanne again, for giving me the confidence to pass as Becky and the photos to prove it. And finally to all the admirers out there who have boosted Becky’s ego and confidence, thanks guys but I really am not interested.

The beginning

Firstly a bit about myself, I am a 41 year old married (She doesn’t know) straight Cross dresser with kids and a career. I started dressing at about 14, but I have earlier memories of pretending I was a girl at the age of 6 and 7 and, I even remember putting on an Alice band and pretending I was a girl. For the next 25 years I dressed occasionally, whenever the opportunity arose. I called it a hobby, a secret I shared with no one. I was a male who liked cross dressing, simple really. I never told my wife when we met and dated, I never saw the need, it was just something I did, harmless really! I didn’t even think about dressing much, I would find myself alone at home for a few hours, I would put on some of her stuff. Truthfully I never even thought about telling her, it never entered my mind actually. If I didn’t dress for ages I didn’t miss it, I think a few times I went more than a year without dressing. I had no female persona, no name, no identity, I never actually even thought about it when I wasn’t dressing.

I found the thrill of dressing quite a turn on. I would put on her underwear, a skirt and top or dress. Very erotic! But when it was time to get back into male clothes it was over, until next time (Slight feeling of guilt sometimes). In fact I probably missed many safe opportunities at home, just didn’t think of it, or busy doing something else.

2004 Click

Then in about April 2004 everything changed, why? I really don’t know!!! Nothing discernible changed no events, no change in stress levels. Clicka switch went off inside me, suddenly I felt a powerful need to dress, to express my feminine side (I didn’t know I even had one until then). Not just an urge to dress, much stronger than that, a nagging itch that wouldn’t go away, it needed to be scratched. I went online and started researching the subject, as you would all know I found an amazing world out there, I joined many MSN and Yahoo groups, read postings, looked at pictures, read read read. All the while the itch was getting stronger and stronger always there always in my mind. Then I went online started chatting with others on MSN and Yahoo, at first I found it quite difficult, I am a guy pretending to be a girl, talking to other girls. But gradually thanks to some great people, too many to mention I began to see a world opening up in front of me, Slowly online Becky emerged, at first she was shy and reserved, but slowly she blossomed, gaining confidence with each passing week, she became more female, more ‘real’ everyday. She started occupying a large part of my mind and my persona.

Becky

Then one day I felt I had to have a female name, Hmmmm interesting concept, what’s in a name? How do you pick a name, change your male name a bit…No How about Becky? Yes she sounds like a fun girl, also practical, Rebecca, for formal, Becky, Bec, Becca perfect. So over a period of 3 months Becky was a regular online chatting with other girls all over the world often late at night when the wife was asleep, but the urge to dress was still itching away. With a wife and kids there was no opportunity to dress, then at last my wife went away and took the kids with her, 2 weeks of Becky, I spent almost every minute when I was at home dressed as Becky and many hours online Interestingly I found being Becky for so much time was not really erotic anymore, still a thrill, but in a non-sexual way. I even took heaps of photos, neck down of course. When the wife was back, I went nearly 3 months before I got the chance to be Becky again. I nearly went crazy.

Luckily I travel a lot for business, I had an overseas trip to Asia and decided to get Becky some of her own stuff, I can recommend Manila as the place to fit out your wardrobe .they have bigger sizes there than Singapore or Malaysia. Also Manila has great shopping centers and is very cheap. I bought about 5 tops, 3 skirts, a dress, shoes, a range of underwear, a wig and makeup (Its all hidden in a box at work) safe, but quite inaccessible. I hardly left the Hotel room after the shopping spree, I worked during the day and spent each night as Becky. I also took many photos in my new clothes. I was clueless on makeup and the few photos I took of my face told me I could not pass! Well I was satisfied at first spending 3 or 4 nights being Becky in Hotel rooms around the world. This was my situation for the last few months of 2004 and first quarter of 2005 But of course most of you would be having a chuckle to yourselves saying Becky Becky Becky, you are so naive, it never ends there honey.

The next step

I knew I needed more, Becky was taking up more of my thoughts, I had a 2 day business trip to Sydney, on a whim I went to STG2002 and looked on the services and found a link to Transfabulous. I looked at their website and was hooked, I had to undergo a full makeover, find out if Becky could look good dressed and made-up properly. Well luckily Cyanne was able to squeeze me in at short notice. After 45 minutes of make up, selecting of clothes, wig etc, Cyanne took me to the mirror, I will never forget the first look I got of Becky, I don’t have the words to describe the feeling, it was overwhelming, Becky was real, Becky was beautiful, well in my eyes anyway What a night, a full makeover, 4 changes of outfits and all the time click click over 100 photos. Cyanne is not only a first class make-up artist, a great photographer, but she is also an amazing person, she made to whole night fun and she immediately put my nerves at ease, through her relaxed fun loving nature.

Receiving the photos was interesting, of the 100 pics about 30 looked like the male me in drag, about 50 looked like Becky and the rest looked like the sister I never had. I could have sent some of the photos to my wife and she would have asked who is this woman?

The moment I saw myself in the mirror I knew my fate was sealed, I would be back, Becky had to go out and after seeing the photos I was confident that I could pass, well in dark places at least. So plans to go out started, luckily a client needed me for some meetings in Sydney. May the 3^rdwas to be the big night out. Cyanne suggested bringing along Dee, who she felt would get on well with me.

The huge night out

Tuesday 3^rdof May 2005, I will never forget that date. It would rate as one of the best nights of my life, We started at 6pm, I bought my own top and underwear for the occasion to have something to remember the night with, soon it was 8pm, all dressed up, ready to go. Nervous? No, not at all, I know its hard to believe, but being with Cyanne and Dee made it so easy, it was like a dream, one minute getting dressed, the next standing at the front door waiting to be picked up, 3 girls on a girls night out. The car pulled up, here goes, I nearly ran out the door (only in my mind, the reality of the high heeled boots meant a slow walk) but what a feeling, I cant really explain it, 5 minute drive then we stopped in Oxford street, here goes, suddenly there was Becky, Dee and Cyanne walking down Oxford Street, we walked past 4 guys, I thought would they notice us, would I be picked? They examined us as if we were 3 girls walking by (Which of course we were), then it hit me I wasn’t nervous because I didn’t care, if they picked me so what, Becky was sooo happy she didn’t care about anything. What a night we had, such fun, you couldn’t ask for better company, 3 bars, dinner. For me the most interesting part was watching Dee who has been out 3 or so times, she is very passable, but she talks loud and doesn’t care if people hear. So we didn’t sit quietly whispering, a GG and 2 TV’s trying to hide in the background, we laughed and spoke loud and had fun. So what if people knew, Becky didn’t care. We had drinks at Stonewall, a very popular Gay Bar and received lost of compliments (Blush), they could not believe that Dee and I were part timers.

The night was an emotional rollercoaster, thrilling, amazing, uplifting, dreamlike, breath-taking, spectacular, unbelievable, fantastic, exciting, sad and depressing. Sad and depressing because the night had to end. I sat at one stage reflecting, Dee and Cyanne were laughing about something and I felt as if I had sand slipping between my fingers the night was slipping away, I will never have this feeling again, I am sure that the next time out (Yes there will be a next time!) Will be great, but I was in the middle of a night of sheer magic and it would be ending.

Where to from here?

I don’t have a clue!!! Sometimes I think fate is driving this part of my life, fate that clicked the switch, fate that I went online when I did, fate that I met the people I met, fate that led me to Transfabulous, which in turn led to my first time out. What is the next part, I don’t know and to be honest I don’t care. I would love to tell my wife, that is the only part of this whole story which upsets me, I do not like the idea of sneaking off to be Becky and I know that one day I will have to tell her (Probably), but I also know that she will never accept it so I am faced with the conundrum of devastating her or lying to her, neither of which sits well with me. This is something I will have to sort out, I do feel that I cannot tell her anything until and unless I know why I am telling her and what I want at the end of the day.

Since ever I can remember I have loved rollercoasters, loved the excitement of the ride, Becky’s life is a rollercoaster ride. Who knows what is round the next corner or over the next rise, but it doesn’t matter as long as she loves the ride.

Love Becky

Filed under: Transgender |