Have you ever cast a bottle with a note into the sea; a note to a helium balloon and let it go or driven down the high way with your headlights turned off at night?
What makes us do these things? Testing of faith? I have done these and many other things before… and I have always come back to this reason – that it was a way for me to detach myself, even if for a moment from who and what and where I was… to escape or send off my thoughts into another place, because there was simply no more room for them to remain in my brain alone.
LOS or Loss of Signal is a very common occurrence in the space program. It occurs when the capsule (shuttle) cannot receive radio communication from ground control. In a sense, there is a black out period from communications.
I believe that my journey is at the equinox of this moment of Loss of Signal… a point where all the preparation and training and planning MUST now serve me well, for where I go from here forth, I must do so with out a safety net of ground control.
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Filed under: Transgender | Tagged: Chloe, confessions, Confusion, Maturing, Space, srs | Comments Off on Loss of Signal
Each and every person has their role to play, be it father, mother, wife, husband… etc. My roles have been father, son and husband… friend and even boyfriend to others. I remain a strong person, committed to my responsibilities, but does or can my role change with my transition? Can I be a mother, while upholding my fatherly responsibilities? Can I be a fulfilling husband as a TransWoman to my wife? Can I still fulfill to my parents the aspirations they had for me as their son?
TRANScend GENDER 
My Greatest Burden, My Greatest Gift by Marti Abernathy
In a recent email I received, someone wrote “When love is good, life is good.” It reminded me of how I felt after finding love for the first time after my ex-wife. My ex was the “the love of my life.” When we married, I never expected us to part. Our relationship lasted for 10 years, then things fell apart. That experience of loss reminded me of the the Hindenburg. I spent the next 4 years feeling like a charred piece of rubble. In December of 2004, I found love when I least expected it. Meeting Ellen and finding that fire in my soul again totally refreshed and renewed my spirit. It’s when I wrote the tag line for my personal blog, Marti Abernathey.com, “Breathing is existence, but loving is living.”
One of the biggest hurdles for me in keeping love (in the past) was looking for love from others, before I believed I was worthy of it. No matter how many people told me they loved me, I just couldn’t believe it myself. I felt different, I felt ugly, I felt… wrong.
There are many times I wonder if I did the right thing by transitioning. The more I get into different theories (feminist and otherwise) the more it’s made me analyze my thoughts and feelings about why I’m trans and why I transitioned. In every step of the process I’ve always felt it was right. It reminds me of Christ’s words in the bible about bad trees not producing good fruit, and good trees producing bad fruit.
My life, my spirit, and my essence have found a peace and a focus I’ve never felt before, since I’ve been aware of my existence as a human being. The rock of that joy and the goodness of that tree is something I don’t think I’ll ever be able to describe.
Filed under: Commentary | Tagged: joy, life, transitioning | 2 Comments »